Tag Archives: toddlers

NFred: Totally Bananas.

Holy crap on a cracker, how the heck are you?

I know, it’s been forever since I’ve written ANYTHING and I appologize. To say that my life has been totally bananas since the end of January would be an understatement.

Here’s a run down of what’s been going down with NFred;

asshat

  1. The Toy Shop where I worked for over twelve years closed its doors at the end of January. It’s sad and I miss my work family dearly. I knew my location was closing since September, so it wasn’t a shock, but it was a long drawn out process of repeatedly telling customers the sad news. It was also exhausting trying to keep my rage in check when asshats asked strangely personal questions about my future and demanded to know what was on sale. One asshat in particular singled me out to explain to his five year old grandson why I was closing his favourite store. I explained to the little guy as best I could through clenched teeth while wanting nothing more than to yell at Asshat Grandpa that it wasn’t MY decision. The high point of having the store close occurred when I got to fulfil my life long dream of cracking a beer IN THE SHOP once we closed the door for the last time. Dreams do come true, kids!

    tea-snob

  2. I took a few days off after the store closed and then returned to start work at a different Toy Shop location downtown. A thriving store in a distinguished neighbourhood with full shelves and zero asshats asking about the closing of my former location. The staff was lovely and I fell in love with a hipster tea shop on the same street that converted me into an obnoxious tea snob. I was happy to work there. Sure the commute sucked and I was nervous about being far from my diabetic son, but I was cautiously optimistic. Until…

    pump-up-the-jam

  3. On February sixth, my son made the switch from injections to an insulin pump to help better manage his diabetes. The first couple of days were a total gong show. Soaring high blood sugars followed by random lows. I had taken the week off work to help my son adjust to his new life and I’m so glad that I did. I wasn’t prepared for how much work the switch would entail. Waking up every two hours at night to test his blood sugar, weighing every single piece of food that he was going to put in his mouth, doing more math than I’ve ever done in my entire life to figure out carb counts , writing countless emails to his school to make sure they knew how to keep him alive. Exhausting. Things are slowly starting to fall into place, but I quickly realized that I needed to be closer to my son. My old Toy Shop was a five minute drive from my son’s school. In an emergency, I could get there quickly. The downtown Toy Shop was far, too far for me. Call me a Helicopter Mom or a Worry Wart or a Nervous Nelly if you please, but when it comes to my son’s health, I put him first. Always. So I made the agonising decision to resign from the Toy Shop so that I could be closer to my boy. It sucks. I’m sad. The Toy Shop was a huge part of my life, but in the end, I know I made the right decision.

    nfred-bum-wiper

  4. In my sleep deprived delirium, I accepted an offer to work at a ridiculously adorable preschool in my neighbourhood. I am officially a Teacher’s Aid and have found myself the ever elusive Monday to Friday, nine to five job that is the unicorn of the retail world as those hours just don’t exist! I work with kids aged fifteen months to three years old and feel that a more fitting job title would be Professional Snot Wiper, Bum Changer and Toddler Herder. I had my first day last week and survived. A child even told me that I was beautiful. Will this be my forever career? I have no idea, but for now it works and I’m happy.

Holy Hell! I sure can ramble on about myself. If any of you are still reading and haven’t lapsed into a coma, this is the part where I talk about the future of What NFred Said.

nfred you need to write

I love this blog with all my heart. It’s like my fourth child. Fingers crossed, now that life is settling down a smidge and I have snagged myself regular working hours, I can FINALLY devote more time to writing. My problem has always been that I have more ideas than time. I hope to get on a permanent writing schedule soon. I’d also like to clean my disgusting home, get into shape, win a million dollars and find a cure for diabetes, but I’m taking it one day at a time.

Thanks everyone for reading. I hope all of you are having a splendid 2017. I promise I won’t be a stranger. Let’s chat soon, okay?

Until next time,

NFred.

 

 

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Happy Mother’s Day!

 

 

 

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**I wrote this last night but only got around to publishing it this morning, hence why it opens with “Tomorrow is Mother’s Day”. Just thought I’d clear that all up for y’all!

 

 

Tomorrow is Mother’ Day.

Being a mother myself, I’m PUMPED.

Bring on the macaroni necklaces, hand print crafts and glitter glue adorned cards.

Bring on the cheesy poems, paintings of me that look like they were done by Jackson Pollock and the chocolates that must be opened and consumed (by the children) at six o’clock in the morning.

BRING IT ON!!!

This Mother’s Day eve, I find myself pondering what I’ve learned about kids in my nine year career as a mom. Here’s what I’ve come up with…

 

1. Babies Are Gross. As cute as they are, babies are essentially foul fluid factories. They spend the first year of their lives spitting up, drooling uncontrollably and peeing excessively. And then there’s the poo. SO MUCH POO. After my first baby was born, my husband and I thought that he had some sort of terrible infant stomach flu. Why didn’t anyone tell us that our baby would poo constantly? Why didn’t anyone tell us that newborn poo was supposed to look like mustard? The nurses at the hospital told me repeatedly how to feed and clean my baby, WHY DIDN’T THEY TELL ME ABOUT THE POO???

 

2. Toddlers Are Bat Shit Crazy. I don’t even know where to start. Toddlers are irrational, emotional, hilarious, stubborn and ridiculous. Any random situation can set them off on an epic trip to Tantrum Town. My kids have freaked out over the following;

 

1. Not getting the pink cup.

2. Getting the pink cup.

3. Not wanting to go to bed.

4. Not wanting to get out of bed.

5. Buying bread with brown things in it.

6. Not buying bread with brown things in it.

7. Wanting to wear shorts when it’s snowing outside.

8. Wanting to wear mittens in August.

9. Water that is too wet.

10. Blankets that are too tight.

11. Blankets that are not tight enough.

12. Dogs barking.

13. Birds.

14. The car wash.

15. Sharing.

 

3. Kids Talk Constantly. Once a child begins to talk, they will chat incessantly. Pets, dinosaurs, Thomas the Tank Engine, what they had for lunch, Pokemon, cereal, cartoons, bowel movements, shoelaces, plastic forks. YOU NAME IT, THEY’LL TALK ABOUT IT. They are so very random in their topics of conversation. I’ve had children that I barely know come up to me at parks or schools and blurt out that they had McDonald’s for lunch or that they can jump on one foot or that their mom is afraid of spiders and then run away. So odd. Imagine if adults did that? Kids are also brutally honest and don’t filter what comes out of their mouths. If they don’t like your hair or your noodle casserole or your breath, they will let you know…usually in a public place…in front of a bunch of people that you know.

 

4. Kids Hear Everything. Parents should learn a foreign language or get really good at non verbal communication because children hear absolutely everything. I dare you to try and have a private conversation with another adult about current news events or a trip to the dentist or ice cream when a child is within ear shot. I DARE YOU. I’m pretty sure kids have the same sonar hearing systems as bats.

 

5. You Love Them Anyways.  Despite all of their nasty bodily fluids flowing out of their orifices, their craziness, their constant talking and their  inappropriate eavesdropping, parents somehow manage to unconditionally love their kids. It’s absolute madness how much we love them with all of the crap they pull! For instance, if my best friend decided to lay down on the floor of Walmart and scream her face off  in protest because she had not finished looking at the toy section and I was ready to go, I’d be like, see ya later, freak!  My kids could be covered in dirt and feces and venomous snakes and I’d still think they were perfect. Sometimes I get these intense feelings of pride simply by looking at them. It must be really hot in here because my eyes seem to be sweating all of a sudden…

 

In conclusion, I’d like to wish all the moms out there a most magical mother’s day filled with homemade crafts, half eaten chocolates and something deliciously alcoholic in a very large glass.

 

THREE CHEERS FOR MOMS!!!

Love always,

NFred.

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