Tag Archives: humur

Suck it, Sanipod!

Public bathrooms have really upped their technology game.

Toilets flush themselves, water magically appears when you place your palms in the communal sinks, hand dryers have become so powerful that you can literally watch your skin get sucked dry in a matter of seconds.

What a time to be alive!

Most of these newfangled public bathroom upgrades are pretty self explanatory and have been implemented to make doing your business away from the privacy of your own home a less disgusting experience.

Last week, I was with my family at a museum out of town when my daughter and I needed a bathroom break. We found a seemingly standard public restroom and used stalls next to each other. Lucky for me, it was my time of the month and I needed a fresh sanitary napkin. Just as I was about to swap my old pad for a new one, I noticed there was nowhere to dispose of my “waste”.

No tiny silver box drilled into the stall wall! What was a girl to do?

It was then that I noticed a white plastic tube fastened to the wall beside the toilet. It looked exactly like the picture below.

sanipod

I don’t know why, but when I first entered the stall, I thought that it was an overly large air freshener and didn’t really pay it any attention. Upon further scrutiny, I discovered that this tube was in fact a space aged, feminine hygiene disposal unit. The word “Sanipod” was written across the front of it in cursive writing.

Jazzy!

I wrapped my used pad in toilet paper and was excited to use the Sanipod for the very first time, but then I got totally confused. How the hell was I supposed to get my feminine “waste” inside the tube? There was no obvious opening, no little trap door or tiny garbage shoot. There were no directions visible on the Sanipod. What was I missing? I knocked on it a little and then my daughter started to ask me what I was doing. Wanting to avoid a conversation about maxi pad disposal with my five year old in a public bathroom, I panicked and put the used pad in my sweatshirt pocket. Feeling like a moron, I washed my hands and then stealthily tossed my pocket pad in the garbage on our way out of the bathroom. For the rest of the afternoon, I couldn’t get the stupid Sanipod out of my head. Why couldn’t I figure out how to use it? What was wrong with me? This was a product designed for menstruating women. I WAS A MENSTRUATING WOMAN, DAMMIT.

Our day at the museum was coming to a close and I knew that I couldn’t leave without solving the riddle of the Sanipod. I informed my children that they all needed to use the bathroom before leaving. My daughter and I entered the very same bathroom and used the very same stalls.

There it was again. That smug little Sanipod. Hanging on the wall like it was better than everyone else.

I channelled my inner Crime Scene Investigator as I scrutinized the Sanipod. What was I missing?

Suddenly, I noticed a small black circle on the very tip of the Sanipod. I touched it and nothing happened. Frustrated and about to give up, I held my right hand just above the black circle thinking that maybe it would somehow sense my presence like the faucet in the communal sinks. Like magic, the top of the Sanipod popped up exposing a small compartment for my personal feminine “waste”. I hurried to change my pad and giddily placed it in the Sanipod. With a cool swishing sound, the top of the Sanipod collapsed back down on the tube as I faintly heard the dull sound of my pad hitting the bottom of the inside of the tube.

SUCCESS!

I HAD TRIUMPHED OVER TECHNOLOGY!

SUCK IT, SANIPOD!

Researching the Sanipod for this post, I discovered that it comes in both black and white and a variety of sizes.They are available for both personal and commercial use. You can also get decorative wraps for your Sanipod if you desire to make your feminine “waste” tube more cohesive with your bathroom decor. In my opinion, the best feature of the Sanipod is its unique shape. Does it remind you of anything?

Anything at all?

sanipod 2

Thanks for reading and I wish you all positive Sanipod experiences!

Your friend,

NFred.

 

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NFred: Totally Bananas.

Holy crap on a cracker, how the heck are you?

I know, it’s been forever since I’ve written ANYTHING and I appologize. To say that my life has been totally bananas since the end of January would be an understatement.

Here’s a run down of what’s been going down with NFred;

asshat

  1. The Toy Shop where I worked for over twelve years closed its doors at the end of January. It’s sad and I miss my work family dearly. I knew my location was closing since September, so it wasn’t a shock, but it was a long drawn out process of repeatedly telling customers the sad news. It was also exhausting trying to keep my rage in check when asshats asked strangely personal questions about my future and demanded to know what was on sale. One asshat in particular singled me out to explain to his five year old grandson why I was closing his favourite store. I explained to the little guy as best I could through clenched teeth while wanting nothing more than to yell at Asshat Grandpa that it wasn’t MY decision. The high point of having the store close occurred when I got to fulfil my life long dream of cracking a beer IN THE SHOP once we closed the door for the last time. Dreams do come true, kids!

    tea-snob

  2. I took a few days off after the store closed and then returned to start work at a different Toy Shop location downtown. A thriving store in a distinguished neighbourhood with full shelves and zero asshats asking about the closing of my former location. The staff was lovely and I fell in love with a hipster tea shop on the same street that converted me into an obnoxious tea snob. I was happy to work there. Sure the commute sucked and I was nervous about being far from my diabetic son, but I was cautiously optimistic. Until…

    pump-up-the-jam

  3. On February sixth, my son made the switch from injections to an insulin pump to help better manage his diabetes. The first couple of days were a total gong show. Soaring high blood sugars followed by random lows. I had taken the week off work to help my son adjust to his new life and I’m so glad that I did. I wasn’t prepared for how much work the switch would entail. Waking up every two hours at night to test his blood sugar, weighing every single piece of food that he was going to put in his mouth, doing more math than I’ve ever done in my entire life to figure out carb counts , writing countless emails to his school to make sure they knew how to keep him alive. Exhausting. Things are slowly starting to fall into place, but I quickly realized that I needed to be closer to my son. My old Toy Shop was a five minute drive from my son’s school. In an emergency, I could get there quickly. The downtown Toy Shop was far, too far for me. Call me a Helicopter Mom or a Worry Wart or a Nervous Nelly if you please, but when it comes to my son’s health, I put him first. Always. So I made the agonising decision to resign from the Toy Shop so that I could be closer to my boy. It sucks. I’m sad. The Toy Shop was a huge part of my life, but in the end, I know I made the right decision.

    nfred-bum-wiper

  4. In my sleep deprived delirium, I accepted an offer to work at a ridiculously adorable preschool in my neighbourhood. I am officially a Teacher’s Aid and have found myself the ever elusive Monday to Friday, nine to five job that is the unicorn of the retail world as those hours just don’t exist! I work with kids aged fifteen months to three years old and feel that a more fitting job title would be Professional Snot Wiper, Bum Changer and Toddler Herder. I had my first day last week and survived. A child even told me that I was beautiful. Will this be my forever career? I have no idea, but for now it works and I’m happy.

Holy Hell! I sure can ramble on about myself. If any of you are still reading and haven’t lapsed into a coma, this is the part where I talk about the future of What NFred Said.

nfred you need to write

I love this blog with all my heart. It’s like my fourth child. Fingers crossed, now that life is settling down a smidge and I have snagged myself regular working hours, I can FINALLY devote more time to writing. My problem has always been that I have more ideas than time. I hope to get on a permanent writing schedule soon. I’d also like to clean my disgusting home, get into shape, win a million dollars and find a cure for diabetes, but I’m taking it one day at a time.

Thanks everyone for reading. I hope all of you are having a splendid 2017. I promise I won’t be a stranger. Let’s chat soon, okay?

Until next time,

NFred.

 

 

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Bare Bum Betty

bare bum bettty

 

I’ve worked in retail for the majority of my adult life.

I’ve seen things.

Questionable things.

I thought I had pretty much seen it all, until last week.

Gather around and let me tell you the tale of my first, and hopefully last, pantless customer.

 

I work at a toy store in a relatively quiet suburban mall. Our clientele is comprised mostly of young families and grannies. On Fridays, I work the day shift with my boss.

Last Friday started off quite pleasantly. Boss Lady and I went to get coffee, chatted each other’s ears off about our week and our kids and the general goings on of the store.

At nine thirty, we promptly opened the store, served customers and drank our coffee. It was a pretty quiet morning. A little over an hour passed when  Boss Lady had to make some phone calls. She went into our back room while I served a couple of customers. As I was ringing through a sale, a tall blond woman and an older gentleman sauntered into the store. I flashed them a quick smile and noticed that the woman was wearing a really short “dress”. I didn’t think much of  it as I finished up with my customer. As soon as I was done, the older gentleman approached me and asked if I could help him find a certain board game. I wasn’t sure if we had it in stock, so I walked over to the game section of the store to investigate. When I arrived at my destination, I was greeted by both the man’s female companion and her bare bum.

Let me explain.

The woman was bent over, looking at something on a lower shelf. Her bending movement must have forced her very short “dress” to ride up her body, hence exposing a large portion of her naked behind.

To give you an idea of  how much naked behind was exposed, I would like you to imagine that you are dunking a delicious Oreo cooking in a tall glass of milk.

Give it a good dunk.

Now look at that cookie before you eat it.

I bet there’s milk covering at least  half of your cookie. If you’re like me, you like to double dunk. thus there is a high probability that there’s more than half of your cookie that remains milkless.

Now back to the naked bum. Imagine her “dress” as the milk and her behind as the cookie. She was definitely a double dunker because I certainly saw more than half of her bare bum.

When my eyes landed on her exposed rear end, I felt like I was driving beside the scene of a car accident because I didn’t want to look, but I couldn’t look away. I fumbled over my words as I searched for Bare Bum Betty’s board game. I couldn’t find it and was relieved when I could leave the scene of  awkward nudity to go and search my inventory on the store computer.

As I was taking my time on the computer, Boss Lady emerged from the back room still on the phone. I jotted down a quick note that said, “looks like one of our customer’s forgot to put on their pants this morning”, and passed it discreetly to her as I finished up on the computer. She read it and then gave me a weird look. I gently nodded my head in the direction of Bare Bum Betty and her gentleman companion. Boss Lady, still on the phone, walked over to the game section and then quickly walked back towards me with an expression of sheer horror on her face. As I passed her, I held in a nervous giggle and went to tell Bare Bum Betty’s gentleman companion that sadly we did not have the board game he was looking for. Lucky for me, Bare Bum Betty was no longer bent over, but an uncomfortable amount of her bare bum was still on display. I felt myself sweating as I recommended a couple of other games. After what felt like ten hours, the older gentleman thanked me for my help and said they would look around for a few minutes.

I was overjoyed to be relieved of my duties. I walked back to the cash area where Boss Lady was no longer on the phone. We both sort of stared at each other, not sure how to proceed about the nudity in our store. The only pantless customers either of us had ever encountered before were babies in onesies.

Moments later, Bare Bum Betty’s gentleman companion called out, “thanks” from the board game section. Hand in hand with his half naked gal, they exited the store. Boss Lady and I watched in disbelief as Betty’s bare bum dangled “cheekily” from her “dress”. I swear it looked as if her bum was waving us goodbye.

Boss Lady and I spent the remainder of the day working and  debating weather or not our “rear” view exposed more than just Betty’s bare bum. I swear I saw a third naked “cheek” peeking out from under her “dress” as she exited the store. What I’m trying so eloquently to say is that I may have seen a small portion of  Betty’s bare vagina popping out to join the bare bum party as she walked away.

Since this incident occurred last Friday, I’ve been searching for a reasonable explanation as to why Bare Bum Betty wasn’t wearing any pants. Here’s what I’ve come up with;

 

1. She was on her way to a Sharon Stone look-a-like contest where she was going to reenact the famous leg uncrossing scene from Basic Instinct.

2. She once spilled an extra large coffee all over her pants and was so traumatized that she vowed to NEVER wear pants again.

3. She just had a Brazilian wax and her lady bits swelled up severely due to an allergic reaction to the hot wax, hence no pants.

4. She was swindled by a crooked pant merchant who charged her a hundred dollars for the hottest new fashion accessory;  invisible pants.

5. Her gentleman companion is that crooked pant merchant.

6. We were on a hidden camera TV show.

7. She thought a peplum top was actually a tiny dress.

8. She has excessive bum sweat.

 

Almost a week has passed and I’m still plagued by unanswered questions concerning Bare Bum Betty. I wonder if maybe she was aware that her bum was showing and simply did not care? Maybe she was making a statement about society’s obsession with female nudity? Maybe she’s an activist and wants to get pantlessness legalized? Whatever her reasons, Bare Bum Betty has rightfully earned a coveted spot on my list of  infamous toy store customers along side such legends as Creepy Dad, Crazy Grumpy Grandma, Lava Lamp Man, It Took Me Two Planes To Get Here Woman, Tim Horton’s Cup Urinator, Constant Baby Talk Mom, Graphic Birth Story Oversharer and Woman Who Called Her Husband A Pussy.

 

Until we meet again,

A pants wearing NFred.

 

 

 

 

 

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The MAGIC of Waddle Cream and Skinny Pills.

Image

 

I just saw a commercial on TV for a miracle turkey waddle cream and I’m convinced it’s going to change my life.

No JOKE.

I watched in awe as the impossibly taut spokeswoman smeared the super salve all over her neck and under her chin. And guess what? She had the most enviable neck and chin skin that I’ve EVER seen.

If you’re a modern woman, like myself, and have spent many hours fretting about your waddle, this miracle cream could put an end to all of our collective suffering!

No more shrouding our shameful neck areas in foulards, turtlenecks and high collared shirts!

No more double chins holding us back from reaching our goals, living our dreams and taking unfiltered selfies!

ALL we have to do is slap on some cream and BOOM! we’ll be happy, healthy and HOT! ALL our problems will melt away like our neck fat.

I feel like such a giant dumb dumb. Before this afternoon, I totally thought you had to eat well and be active to loose weight. Who has time for that? And it’s SO HARD. Thank heavens the TV Gods showed me a more effective way to get results.

It’s so simple.

C R E A M.

I wonder if there are more magic creams on the market? Ones that banish the dreaded Mom Fat or The Cottage Cheese Thighs or The Bingo Arms?

You guys, I totally just checked my Facebook and you’ll never guess what?!? An add popped up on my newsfeed that said I can actually loose weight WHILE I SLEEP! I just have to take some super safe fat burning pills! AMAZING!

And it take no effort at all. Literally, ZERO!

I’m having so many epiphanies today! I’ve been unhappy with my body for a while now and instead of actually having to get off my ASS and do something about it, I can just apply some cream and pop a pill!

SO EASY!

I wonder if all the people out there who wake up early to run or go to the gym or do interval training know that they’re doing it ALL WRONG! Think of all the sleeping and sitting these jocks can catch up on thanks to waddle cream and fat burning pills! The only reason people exercise is to loose weight, right? So say bye bye to physical activity and hello to a fulfilling sedentary life!

Spread the word, people! Tell your friends and your family and scream it to random people on the street!

THE PUBLIC NEEDS TO BE INFORMED.

There’s an easier way to change your appearance! And you MUST change how you look TODAY in order to be successful in LIFE.

YOU NEED WADDLE CREAM.

YOU NEED MAGIC GET SKINNY WHILE YOU SLEEP PILLS.

I finally understand that to have a joyful and meaningful life, it’s all about how you look. Screw friends and family and trying to be a kind and compassionate person. Who I am on the inside can suck it! It’s what’s on the outside that matters!

In no time, we’ll be just like the unrealistically thin, plastic women that the media so badly wants us all to be!

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!?!?!

Slap on that cream!

Pop that pill!

A better you is waiting…

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