Tag Archives: Humor

Paragraph # 30: Paragraph Challenge CRUSHED.

crushed it

Well holy guacamole, I’ve done it.

I crushed my paragraph challenge.

CRUSHED IT.

I can’t believe that I actually wrote EVERY FREAK’N DAY for an entire month.

I’m not going to lie, it was hard.

Very hard.

Did I produce the best writing of my life? Probably not.

Was I super pumped about everything that I posted? Oh heck no!

But I did have a crap load of fun and I learned a few things along the way.

I learned that I write better in the morning, that I really like writing dialogue and that my Microsoft Paint skills are on point with those of a four year old.

Most importantly, I proved to myself that I can squeeze in some daily writing even with my crazy busy life.

So, what’s next?

I have no idea.

I’m going to take a few days to pat myself on the back for reaching my goal and then I’m going to hunker down and figure out my next move.

Thanks to everyone who’s supported me in this ridiculous month of writing. Your feedback has meant so much.

I’d also like to give a shout out to my one reader in Russia. Spaseeba!

Cheers to the future and thanks again for reading.

I’ll see you soon,

NFred.

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Paragraph # 29: Crust.

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I have a red patch of crusty dry skin growing out of my right eyebrow.

It’s ridiculous.

It’s ugly.

And it’s spreading.

I bought some over the counter cortisone cream in a desperate attempt to get rid of the crust, but it didn’t work. In fact, I think my crust liked the smelly cream because it appears to be thriving. As of this morning, I’ve developed two new patches on my forehead.

GAH.

I haven’t felt this self conscious about my appearance since that time in grade eight when I cut off all my hair and the boys in my class started calling me Bill.

Where did these itchy patches of doom come from?

And what the crap are they?

And how the hell do I get rid of them?

My co-worker is convinced that the patches are a result of my gluten heavy diet.

A friend suggested that they might be a symptom of stress.

Another friend said that it might be a sign of dehydration.

I was pretty confident that it was ringworm until Google proved me wrong. Now I’m thinking either eczema or mange.

I know I should just go to the doctor already, but who has the time?

An easier solution might be to cut bangs.

Or to start wearing headbands.

Or to get really large glasses.

Stupid crust.

If you have any crust busting tips, I’d love to hear them.

Thanks for reading and my crust and I will see you tomorrow!

NFred.

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Paragraph # 28: Tired.

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OH MY GOD!

I’M SO TIRED.

I have no reason to be this bone crushingly exhausted, but here I am, sitting on my couch in my jam jams, struggling to keep my eyes open.

My day at work was pretty uneventful, so I really don’t have any excuse for wanting to go to bed at eight thirty on a Saturday night.

The only exciting part of work today occurred when an older gentleman told me that I should inform all my customers to buy the squirrel socks we sell because his daughter wore them for her government French exam and she passed. I smiled and said “awesome” and then he went on a giant tangent about how hard it is to get a job in the government. I did my best to look busy in an attempt to get away from the conversation, but he wouldn’t stop talking at me. After rambling on for a solid five minutes he told me AGAIN how I should tell all my customers about the magical squirrel socks and then he said “thanks, Buddy” and left.

Buddy? People are so weird.

Tomorrow I have a ridiculous day “off”. A bowling tournament, two hockey games, skating lessons and our crazy annual toy store staff party extravaganza.

I’m going to need a clone, a caffeine drip and a solid eighteen hours of sleep tonight if I plan on surviving tomorrow’s madness.

What’s that I hear? It’s my sweet, sweet couch calling!

Good night and thanks for reading.

See you tomorrow,

NFred.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Paragraph # 27: Watch’n Videos.

music

 

Remember when MuchMusic and MTV actually aired music videos?

Oh man, those were the days!

I used to tape Much Mega Hits on the old VCR and replay my faves over and over.

I’d learn the lyrics, memorize the choreography and basically rock out with my totally radical preteen self.

Well hold on to your scrunchies because I recently discovered that MuchMusic has a little program called the Friday Night Dance Party where for a whole, glorious TWO HOURS they play nothing but Top 40 music videos!!!

I could literally sit here on my couch, contently watching music videos for the rest of my life.

I don’t know why I love them so much. Maybe because they’re so freak’n random? And nonsensical? And quirky? And ridiculous? And thought provoking? And confusing?

I’ve watched at least a dozen videos tonight and here are some of the highlights;

-Joe Jonas singing while a group of bikini clad women and one chubby gentleman in a Speedo passionately threw chunks of vanilla cake at each other.

-Zayn, formally of One Direction, crying black tears and making out with a model while their heads swirled around in nausea inducing kaleidoscope patterns.

-A girl sitting on a chair, alone in an empty room, emoting deeply to the camera about an ex-lover. She was really sad and I think all she needed was a hug and a home cooked meal.

-A wedding in a country bar between a bleach blond Barbie type and a man with enormous buck teeth who was at least twice her age. Among the wedding guests were a bald man wearing denim overalls with NOTHING underneath and a K.D. Lang look-a-like who owned the dance floor with some killer line dancing moves.

-A gang of dudes on skateboards who all had their faces wrapped in tensor bandages for some reason that I’m not hip enough to understand.

-Justin Bieber getting his stomach licked and then being kidnapped by some guys in creepy masks who brought him and his lady friend to a skate park where they all danced and did sick skate board tricks together.

SO RANDOM.

SUCH ENTERTAINMENT.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some more videos to watch.

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you tomorrow,

NFred.

 

 

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Paragraph # 26: Why I Love My Best Friend.

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According to Facebook, today is Friends Day.

In celebration of this holiday that is probably made up, I have compiled a list of twenty-six things I love about my best friend.

 

  1. She is one of the only people left on the planet who still sends actual letters in the actual mail.

  2. She takes epic chin selfies.

  3. I’m pretty sure that if you asked her who her best friend was she would say her dogs and I’m okay with that because her “pets” have never written her a lovely list. So there, dogs.

  4. She drinks maple whisky out of a glass with a skull on it while knitting and watching musicals on TV. She’s the perfect mix of a party girl and your eighty-five year old Grandma.

  5. Her hair gets disgustingly greasy if she doesn’t wash it everyday. Seeing her in all her oily glory makes me feel better about my own appearance.

  6. She swears like a sailor.

  7. She’s so tiny that she can still wear kids sized clothes and sometimes the teachers at her school confuse her for a student. (FYI she teaches at an elementary school.)

  8. She’s going to name her future child Ming Ling because I said so.

  9. When I ask her what I should write about, her standard answer is, “ME! AND MY DOGS!”

  10. We can go from talking about serious life issues to farts in a single sentence.

  11. She holds my hand in public.

  12. Being a vegetarian, she really appreciates it when I text her pictures of meat.

  13. Her first impression of me when we met was that I was a “weirdo”. My first impression of her was that she was “loud”. We both still feel the same way, eighteen years later.

  14. A demolition derby, learning to surf in Costa Rica and acting in a Japanese play are all examples of her random adventures.

  15. She has special seatbelts for her dogs in her car.

  16. She’s a huge fan of recycling, composting, biodegradable household products, the environment, animals and reusable containers. If she hadn’t become a teacher she probably would have become David Suzuki.

  17. Two things that fill her with rage are shovelling her driveway and being stuck behind slow walkers.

  18. She has several friends who happen to be llamas. None of them are her BEST friend…just throwing that out there.

  19. Her eyebrows always reveal her true feelings.

  20. She sing talks CONSTANTLY.

  21. She has a special skirt that she wears when she goes running.

  22. She gets sassy when she drinks.

  23. Her ideal food is dill pickle chips.

  24. Her musical tastes are on point with those of a thirteen year old girl.

  25. Her childhood home strongly resembled a Hobbit Hole.

  26. She uses kindness as the driving force in her life because she’s a nauseatingly good person.

 

Happy Friends Day everyone and thanks for reading.

Now go tell your best friend that they rock and I’ll see you tomorrow!

NFred.

 

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Paragraph #25: Suck it, Snow Day.

snow day

 

I had high hopes for today.

A day off work and eight glorious hours to myself.

I didn’t have any big plans. Just writing, sitting on my couch, watching some Netflix and eating a chocolate bar.

But all of that was thrown out the window when today was declared a Snow Day.

And the kicker? It’s NOT EVEN FUCKING SNOWING OUTSIDE!!!!!!

Okay fine, there’s some freezing rain action and the roads are slick but don’t fucking call it a Snow Day when there’s no snow falling from the goddam sky.

And it’s all my fault.

I should have driven my kids to school.

I deeply regret the decision I made when I was semi conscious at six thirty this morning.

At the time, the idea of staying in bed for a glorious extra half hour impaired my judgement.

I should have gotten my fat ass out of bed and taken them to school.

But it’s too late for “should haves.”

Now I have to live with the consequences of my sleep deprived actions.

And by “live” I mean I have to sit here on my couch, drinking coffee and writing while my kids alternate between playing video games and making me loaves of bread out of Playdoh.

Wait a second…

I’m sitting on my couch, writing. That’s half of what I wanted to accomplish today and it’s not even noon!

If I can sneak in some Netflix programming that isn’t animated and scarf down that chocolate bar without getting busted by the kids, then I’ll triumph over this stupid Snow Day!

Did you hear that Snow Day?

I’m half way to owning you!

AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME!

So, why don’t you take your freezing rain and your ice and your cancelled school buses and SUCK IT!

I’m going to be right here on my couch chillaxing like you never even existed.

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you tomorrow,

NFred.

 

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Paragraph #24: Let’s talk about pants.

pants

 

When I was a teenager, I had a friend who insisted that wearing sweat pants in public was definitive proof that you had given up on life.

My how times have changed.

Gone are the days where donning your comfiest pair of Cotton Ginny, Beaver Canoe or Coconut Joe jogging pants in public was considered social suicide.

From sweats to leggings, the comfy pants of today couldn’t be more “en vogue”.

I’ve been thinking obsessively about pants since yesterday when I took a giant fashion leap and purchased my first pair of jeggings. I grabbed them off the rack and brought them to the change room on a whim and once I slid those bad boys on, I was sold. They were comfy as shit AND my muffin top totally didn’t spill out over the sides. I’m not sure what kind of witchcraft went into the making of those most magical pantaloons, but I was so blown away that I bought two pairs.

Since taking the leap into comfy yet work appropriate bottom wear, I started reminiscing about some of the amazing pant trends of yesteryear. I want SO BADLY for ALL of these to come back in style.

  1. Stirrup Pants. I’m not even going to lie…I had SO MANY pairs of stirrup pants. They were amazing. There was something exciting about having an elastic loop attached to the bottom of your pants. Did you hook that loop around the outside of your shoe like a rebel or did you neatly tuck it inside of your footwear? I was all about flaunting that stirrup on the outside of my shoe because I was a total badass, obviously.

  2. Tapered Pants. This was by far one of the most ridiculous fashion trends of the early nineties. Who thought it was a good idea to cinch your pants from the knee down? Did you fold your pants around super tight and hold them in place with safety pins? Or did your Mom sew you into your pants to achieve maximum tightness? I was more of a safety pin kind of girl. Sewing seemed like too much of a commitment and made changing into your gym clothes a nightmare.

  3. Tear Away Pants. You know who wore those? Cute boys. One of my first crushes had a pair. I used to fantasize about him ripping off those puppies in acts of both passion and athleticism.

Remember Harem pants? Elephant pants? Bell Bottoms? MC Hammer pants? Carpenter jeans? Button fly jeans that drew attention to your crotch?Clam Diggers? Petal Pushers? Super baggy pants that exposed your boxer shorts? Super low rise pants that exposed your thong? Flood pants? Raver pants?

SO. MANY. PANTS.

Do you have a favourite?

OMG! I almost forgot denim overalls worn with only ONE strap. So hip circa the Saved By The Bell years.

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you tomorrow,

NFred.

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Paragraph #23: Weird Day.

ghoast

What a weird day.

Started off with witnessing an older gentleman lose his shit at Walmart because the lines were too long. I stared from my line as he swore and yelled at his cashier to hurry up. It was spectacular.

When it was my turn to pay, my cashier chatted my ear off about all of the rude and inconsiderate people she encounters daily. We bonded while she rang in my groceries. I told her to keep her chin up and she called me a sweetheart. She might be my new BFF.

When I went to work this afternoon, I had a customer ask me if we sold a particular board game. When I told her we were out of stock but that I could order it in for her, she asked if I could get the Bible version. When I told her no, we didn’t carry the Bible version, she asked me to show her other games. She seemed really into this rad matching game I recommended, until she noticed that there was a ghost involved. She told me that was unacceptable. I showed her a few other things and then I let her peruse the store. She came to my cash several minutes later, pumped to buy a book with dozens of Cootie Catchers (fortune telling game for kids) inside. She made her purchase, said “God Bless You” and left.

Bible board game?

Ghosts are taboo but not fortune telling?

SO CONFUSING.

Then my work computer crashed and while I miraculously fixed it, my co-worker almost electrocuted herself.

What a weird day.

I’m so thankful that there was beer in my fridge when I got home.

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you tomorrow,

NFred.

 

 

 

 

 

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Paragraph #20: Silver Sensation.

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Why isn’t the term “Silver Fox” applied to both men and women? I don’t understand. I have grey hair and I’m certainly a fox. I mean, I might not be as dashing as Anderson Cooper but who is, really?!

I think it’s about time that a complimentary term be developed for all the ladies out there who let their grey hair shine.

Grey Goddesses?

Silver Sensations?

Fabulously Frosted Females?

Snowy Haired Heroines?

AND look how easily these grey hair positive terms fall into everyday conversation;

 

“Have you met my Mom? She’s the Fabulously Frosted Female over there drinking wine.”

 

“OMG! I love your hair. You’re a straight up Grey Goddess!”

 

“Have you seen NFred lately? She’s totally sending out some serious Silver Sensation vibes.”

 

“My mother-in-law is a hardcore Snowy Haired Heroine.”

So easy! So fun! So positive! 

After some reflection, I supposed it’s okay if the Anderson Coopers of the world reserve the term “Silver Fox” for themselves. Why the change of heart you ask? Because it’s like a million times cooler to be called a heroine or a sensation or a fabulous female or a goddess! (Imagine me dropping a mic right here.)

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you tomorrow,

NFred. (AKA Silver Sensation)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Paragraph #19: Push Presents.

 

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I just read an article on Facebook about push presents. What’s a push present you ask? Apparently it’s a gift a woman receives after birthing a baby.  The article suggested a list of ten push presents that a mom to be might ask her partner, friends or family to purchase upon the arrival of a new baby. Some of the items on the list included personally engraved jewellery, an eighty five dollar scarf, a new cell phone and a four hundred dollar casserole dish.

This article made me want to vomit.

I would like to begin by saying that I have absolutely given new moms gifts. A box of chocolates, some gossip magazines, a onesie for the baby, that kind of thing. It was my choice to gift a couple of little goodies in celebration of the new baby. No mom to be that I’ve ever known has given me a list of gift ideas for HERSELF as a form of congratulations for pushing out a baby. Why? Because it’s tacky and materialistic and most importantly, the women that I have been lucky enough to know when they became mothers knew that a fucking casserole dish could never compete with getting the ultimate gift of a REAL HUMAN BABY.

Furthermore, after the birth of my three children, as I held them to my sweaty, bloody body for the first time, do you think that I was concerned about an eighty five dollar scarf or a new cell phone? Fuck no.

That stupid push present article really hit a nerve.

I’m all riled up.

Maybe I’ll feel better if I gift myself with some engraved jewellery in celebration of pushing out this paragraph???

B A R F!

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you tomorrow,

NFred.

 

 

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