Tag Archives: fiction

Paragraph # 12: SEQUOIA.

farts poop

This short little slice of dialogue jumped into my head when I was thinking about a woman at the store today who told me she never buys Christmas presents. NEVER. Although inspired by the Christmas hating customer, this is a totally fictional piece of writing. Enjoy and thanks for reading!!! XO NFred.

“Not so busy in here today”.

“Nope. January ‘s a slow month in retail”.

“I bet. Everyone’s emotionally bankrupt after Christmas.”

“Or just broke.”

“Not me. I don’t buy Christmas gifts”.

“No?”

“Nope. Not for years. My partner and I don’t agree with any form of commercialism.”

“I see.”

“It makes life so much more meaningful when you’re not focused on the instant gratification of getting “stuff”. It’s something we’ve instilled in our son since he was an infant. And now he places experiences above “things”, don’t you Sequoia?”

“FARTS”!

“Sequoia! You silly billy. He’s currently experiencing his bathroom phase. What a trip!”

“POOP! POOPY ,POOPY, POOP BUTT!”

“That special boy of mine! I’m sorry if his language makes you uncomfortable. I don’t want to intervene while he’s on this new path of self discovery.”

“It’s fine.”

“I HAVE A PENIS!”

“Yes you do and it’s beautiful like your soul.”

“THE LADY HAS A VAGINA!”

“Excellent, Sequoia!”

“Is there anything I can help you find today?”

“Oh no. We’re just taking a walk around the mall, soaking in the beauty of this experience.”

“Okay, well if you need anything, just yell.”

“Sure, sure. Actually, while I have you, do you know if there’s somewhere in this mall where I can buy some locally sourced spelt?”

“Um, there’s a grocery store across the street.”

“Is it locally owned? I only shop local.”

“It’s a Loblaws.”

“Oh darn. I was hoping to bake Sequoia his favourite spelt muffins. I put beet juice and loose leaf earl grey tea in them and that boy of mine just gobbles them up, don’t you Sequoia?”

“I EAT POO!”

“You funny little monkey! I can drop off the recipe for you if you’d like?”

“Um, no thanks.”

“Oh please, it’s no bother. Sequoia and I will stop in next week. It would be our absolute pleasure, won’t it Sequoia?”

“FARTS!”

“Oh, silly Sequoia! What do you say we go recharge ourselves with some of the homemade organic soy milk that Mommy brought from home? Who wants organic soy milk?”

“MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

“Well then my sweet boy, say good bye to the nice lady and we’ll go have our treat.”

“BYE VAGINA LADY!”

 “Great connecting with you! Have a most blessed day!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Paragraph #10; Paragraph Roulette.

You guys.

How fun was Haiku Roulette?

So fun, right?!

I had such a good time that I’ve decided to expand on my Haiku Roulette empire. Without further ado, please allow me the pleasure of introducing my newest game; PARAGRAPH ROULETTE!!!

Same rules as Haiku Roulette, but you need to generate TEN random words that MUST BE USED in one paragraph.

How pumped are you to play?

I literally can not wait another second!!!

Here we go…

Random words;

  1. tomatoes
  2. head
  3. concerned
  4. damaged
  5. snore
  6. boring
  7. fasten
  8. left
  9. scissors
  10. doubtful

 

The blood was the colour of stewed tomatoes. It ran down his head and left stains on the duvet. I shouldn’t have lashed out with the scissors, but I couldn’t take it any more. Not one more snore. When the police arrived, I answered their boring questions and sensed that they were doubtful that I was the killer. A police officer held my hand as I watched the coroner fasten my husband into a body bag. He offered words of comfort and looked at me with sad, concerned eyes. If only he knew that I was more upset about the damaged duvet.

 

THAT WAS SO HARD…BUT SO FUN!!!

It took me well over an hour to write and I was only interrupted once by my husband snoring on the couch. I wonder how he’s going to feel when he reads this tomorrow?!?!?!?!?

Have any Paragraph Haiku to share? I’d LOVE to see them!

Thanks for reading!

See you tomorrow,

NFRed.

 

 

*** Please rest assured that this is a piece of fiction. I love my husband and his epic snoring.

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Paragraph #9: Haiku Roulette

Do you know what this paragraph challenge is lacking?

SOME SWEET HAIKU ACTION!

I’m not a big fan of poetry, but there’s something exhilarating about writing a haiku. When you find the right word with the right number of syllables to complete a line, what a rush!

I was thinking about writing a haiku or two this morning, but was having a hard time narrowing in on a subject. I sat and stared at my computer for a while and then the room got brighter as I got a glorious idea…

HAIKU ROULETTE!!!

It’s by far the best, and DORKIEST game that I’ve ever created!

Here’s how to play…

Google “random word generator” and a bevy of websites that randomly generate words (duh) with appear on your screen. I used http://www.randomlists.com/random-words and was not disappointed. Once you’ve found a website you like, set it up so that it generates three words at a time. Then you’re all set to play! The goal of Haiku Roulette is to take your three random words and seamlessly weave them into a beautiful haiku.

Get it? Good!

Let’s get this haiku party started!!!

Haiku #1

Random words;

  1. request
  2. check
  3. bump

I requested drugs!

Bump up that epidural!

And check for the head!

Fun, right?!?!?!  Let’s do another!!!!

Haiku #2

Random words;

  1. lamp
  2. sweater
  3. hurry

Hurry up, he yelled.

She fumbled with her sweater

and turned on the lamp.

Scandelous! We can’t stop now!

Haiku #3

Random words;

  1. poison
  2. noisy
  3. teaching

Stop being noisy

while I am teaching robots

how to shoot poison.

Say what? That was a weird one. What’s next?

Haiku #4

Random words;

  1. natural
  2. best
  3. dear

Oh dear! Your poor hair!

I like your natural hue.

Green is not the best.

Hair haiku! Ha! I should really go to bed, but this is TOO FUN!

Haiku #5

Random words;

  1. present
  2. girls
  3. parcel

He presented her

a parcel wrapped in gold twine

and all the girls swooned.

Okay, seriously, I could do this all night. But I HAVE TO STOP NOW or I’ll be zombie tomorrow.

I hope you enjoyed my HAIKU ROULETTE.

Did you try some? SHARE THEM WITH ME!!

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you tomorrow!

NFred.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Paragraph # 8: Dream Career, Fantasy Life.

dream life fantasy life

Have you ever taken a career aptitude test?

I remember taking one in my last year of high school and it determined that my ideal career would be as a sports broadcaster. I’m not sure how out of the hundreds of choices available, that one was flagged for me. I’ve never been on a sports team and I’d rather get a bikini wax than watch sports on TV.

I’ve never had a career. I’ve had a plethora of jobs, but nothing that required a degree or a power suit. I’m currently classified as a grown up human but I totally don’t have my shit together when in comes to having a serious, grown up career. If I didn’t work at the toy shop, I have no idea what I’d do to earn an income.

Unless…

I can figure out a way to make my dream career a reality…

Please, hop inside my head and let me give you a tour of my ultimate dream career in my fantasy life…

I wake up and spend the morning getting my kids ready for school. I do this already in my everyday life, but in my fantasy life they get dressed on time and nobody has a meltdown about wearing a winter coat in January.

After getting the kids on the school bus, I walk home in my light green tunic and wide legged pants. My outfit is comfortable, yet stylish and is best described an updated version of Dorothy’s signature look on the Golden Girls.

Once I return home, I poor myself a cup of coffee and retreat to my office. It’s a beautiful space in the basement of my four bedroom house. The walls are painted bright yellow and adorned with funky art and framed pictures of my family and friends. There’s a big wooden desk against the wall, right below a large window. My desk chair is red and plush and so comfy that I could sit on it for days. And who’s that purring under my desk? It’s the cat! In my fantasy life my kids aren’t allergic and we have the cutest, smartest cat ever with a whimsical name like Muffin or Steve.

Sitting on top of my desk is my computer and three to five house plants that I’ve managed to keep alive for more than a week. I admire them as I sit down on my comfy chair, fire up the computer and get to work.

The first thing I do is check my email. There are usually dozens from publishers and editors and film makers who all want to exchange my quirky stories for disgusting amounts of cash. I sift through their requests and pick the ones I like best. Then, I get into the zone and I write. Hours pass and I only take breaks to eat and pet the cat. The ideas flow like draft beer being pored from the tap. Every word I write is genius.

After an exciting day of writing for money, I pick up the kids at the bus stop and we hang out while I make a nutritious yet delicious dinner that they all devour without complaining. Once the kids go to bed, my husband and I enjoy watching the exact same shows together on TV. We go to bed at a reasonable hour and have a solid eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. The next day follows the same schedule as the last; Kids, write for money, kids, TV, bed.

And that my friends is my dream career, in my fantasy life. If any of you beautiful readers have any tips on how to make this a reality, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts.

OR…

If you want to give me money to write stuff, I’m like totally down.

ALSO…

If you need someone to broadcast your sporting events, I could be persuaded… if the price is right.

I hope you enjoyed your tour of my dream career in my fantasy life. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you tomorrow.

Yours truly,

NFred.

 

 

 

 

 

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Paragraph # 5: Unsolicited Advice.

 

unsolicited advice

We’ve all gotten some unsolicited advice at some point in our lives. I’ve had complete strangers approach me on everything from my parenting to my pimples. For paragraph number five, I decided to write some dialogue about a poor girl who’s just trying to eat her damn lunch. I hope you enjoy this little snippet of fiction. Thanks so much for reading and I’ll see you tomorrow! Xo NFred.

***

“Is that ham in your sandwich?”

“Pardon?”

“Is that ham in your sandwich?”

“Yes.”

“What kind of ham?”

“Black forest.”

“I’m more of a honey ham kind of guy”.

“Great.”

“Are you going to eat it all?”

“Yes.”

“Cause if you’re not, I’ll take half”.

“I’m going to eat it all.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Pardon?”

“You shouldn’t eat it all because there’s lots of carbs in bread and you’re already a big girl.”

“Excuse me?”

“You should limit your carb intake. Carbs make you fat”

“Who the hell are you? A dietician or something?”

“No. I’m Luther, the janitor.”

“Well Luther the janitor, it’s my break and I’d like to sit here alone and enjoy my carbs in peace, please.”

“Okay”.

“So why are you still here?”

“I’m waiting to see if you’re going to give me half.”

“I’m not.”

“Why?”

“Because you called me fat.”

“I didn’t call you fat. I called you a big girl.”

“Whatever.”

“So you’re going to eat it all?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Bye now.”

“Where are you going?”

“Nowhere. You’re leaving, remember?”

“Oh, well if you change your mind about that sandwich…”

“I won’t.”

“…because it’s an awful lot of food for a girl your size…”

“Luther, is it?”

“Yes.”

“If I were you, I would stop talking and leave before I throw MY sandwich at YOUR  face.”

“Jeesh, you don’t have to be rude.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, was I being rude?”

“Yes. You should really work on that temper.”

“Luther?”

“Yes”

“Leave.”

“Fine, but if you change your mind about that sandwich, I’ll be in the janitorial office until three.”

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A month of Paragraphs.

Hello to all of you beautiful What NFred Said readers! It’s been SOOOOOOOO long since you poor dears have had anything new to read on the old blog. I’m sure you’re all just chomping at the bit to know where I’ve been. I wish I had some fabulous reason for being M.I.A like…

I won the lottery and moved to Papua New Guinea and was spending all my time turning this blog into a major motion picture starring Molly Shannon, as Mary Katherine Gallagher, in the lead role of NFred.

mary katherine gallagher

OR…

I was backpacking through India, trying to find myself and my voice as a writer. One day,while enjoying a chickpea curry,  I had a truly original idea for a novel. I had no choice but to sequester myself in the Himalayas to create the next iconic Canadian novel.

 

iconic canadian novelOR…

While doing groceries one afternoon, I was approached by a man who claimed to be the editor of Frumpy Mom Magazine. He begged me to be the January Cover Mom and it was only when he offered me an exorbitant amount of money that I agreed. My cover was a huge success and lead to more modelling gigs, including some work as the “before” picture in several high profile weight loss ads. I was also approached to design a fashion line for the fine people of Value Village. My “salsa stained sweat pant in grey” has been the most sought after piece of clothing in The Village’s entire history. What a whirlwind!

 

frumpy mom

 

But the truth of the matter is I’ve been so busy with work and kids and life that I’ve pushed blogging to the side of my plate like a picky child refusing to eat his broccoli.

 

BUT THAT ALL ENDS TODAY, DAMMIT!

 

I’ve been using all of my precious writing time in the last couple of months working on a novel that I loathe. The pressure I’ve put on myself to make something “great” has completely stifled my creativity. I seem to have lost the joy that I used to get from writing and I’m willing to do anything to get it back.

 

SO…

 

I’m going to challenge myself to write a paragraph a day, STARTING TODAY, for an entire MONTH.

 

I’m going to put into practice the one thing that all successful writers have in common…

 

THEY WRITE EVERY GODDAMNED DAY!

 

What am I going to write about you ask? Well, I’m confident to report that I have absolutely no idea.  Fiction? Poetry? A tidbit form that iconic Canadian novel of mine? Who knows, but I promise that it will be something!

 

SO, without further ado, here is PARAGRAPH NUMERO UNO!!!

 

When I was nine, we lived next door to a woman who called herself Blue. She was eccentric, an artist. In the summer, she’d paint outside in her back yard on huge pieces of canvas. She’d play records while she worked. Catchy pop songs that complimented the colourful abstracts she created. She wore flouncy skirts with mismatched tops and owned an obscene amount of hats. Blue was the epitome of cool and I wanted nothing more than to be her. When I started referring to myself as Turquoise and stealing my mother’s hats, my parents became concerned. It wasn’t until they signed me up for art classes that I stopped emulating Blue and discovered myself.

 

Thanks so much for reading!

 

I wonder what I’ll write about next? Let me know if you have any requests, suggestions or ideas. I’m also very receptive to compliments and high fives.

 

See you tomorrow,

NFred

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The MAGIC of Waddle Cream and Skinny Pills.

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I just saw a commercial on TV for a miracle turkey waddle cream and I’m convinced it’s going to change my life.

No JOKE.

I watched in awe as the impossibly taut spokeswoman smeared the super salve all over her neck and under her chin. And guess what? She had the most enviable neck and chin skin that I’ve EVER seen.

If you’re a modern woman, like myself, and have spent many hours fretting about your waddle, this miracle cream could put an end to all of our collective suffering!

No more shrouding our shameful neck areas in foulards, turtlenecks and high collared shirts!

No more double chins holding us back from reaching our goals, living our dreams and taking unfiltered selfies!

ALL we have to do is slap on some cream and BOOM! we’ll be happy, healthy and HOT! ALL our problems will melt away like our neck fat.

I feel like such a giant dumb dumb. Before this afternoon, I totally thought you had to eat well and be active to loose weight. Who has time for that? And it’s SO HARD. Thank heavens the TV Gods showed me a more effective way to get results.

It’s so simple.

C R E A M.

I wonder if there are more magic creams on the market? Ones that banish the dreaded Mom Fat or The Cottage Cheese Thighs or The Bingo Arms?

You guys, I totally just checked my Facebook and you’ll never guess what?!? An add popped up on my newsfeed that said I can actually loose weight WHILE I SLEEP! I just have to take some super safe fat burning pills! AMAZING!

And it take no effort at all. Literally, ZERO!

I’m having so many epiphanies today! I’ve been unhappy with my body for a while now and instead of actually having to get off my ASS and do something about it, I can just apply some cream and pop a pill!

SO EASY!

I wonder if all the people out there who wake up early to run or go to the gym or do interval training know that they’re doing it ALL WRONG! Think of all the sleeping and sitting these jocks can catch up on thanks to waddle cream and fat burning pills! The only reason people exercise is to loose weight, right? So say bye bye to physical activity and hello to a fulfilling sedentary life!

Spread the word, people! Tell your friends and your family and scream it to random people on the street!

THE PUBLIC NEEDS TO BE INFORMED.

There’s an easier way to change your appearance! And you MUST change how you look TODAY in order to be successful in LIFE.

YOU NEED WADDLE CREAM.

YOU NEED MAGIC GET SKINNY WHILE YOU SLEEP PILLS.

I finally understand that to have a joyful and meaningful life, it’s all about how you look. Screw friends and family and trying to be a kind and compassionate person. Who I am on the inside can suck it! It’s what’s on the outside that matters!

In no time, we’ll be just like the unrealistically thin, plastic women that the media so badly wants us all to be!

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!?!?!

Slap on that cream!

Pop that pill!

A better you is waiting…

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Queen Kale, Princess Pepper and the Giggle Pop

This is a story I wrote and it’s a first draft and my own children told me it was too long and kind of “meh”. If you still want to read it after that winning endorsement than I just want you to know that I love you and will still love you even if you share the same feelings as my offspring. Enjoy…or not…

Once upon a time, in a land made entirely of vegetables, there lived a much loved Queen. Her name was Queen Kale and her best friend was a fluffy little dog named Princess Pepper. The Queen and the Princess loved to work together in the many vegetable gardens that grew in abundance throughout their kingdom.

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One morning while Queen Kale and Princess Pepper where tending to a small garden of carrots, the Queen stumbled upon something strange poking out of the soil.

“Princess Pepper! What is that?” Queen Kale exclaimed as she pointed at a strange greenish object covered in dirt.

“I have no idea!” replied Princess Pepper, “shall I dig it out?”

“Yes, of course! Let me help you.” Queen Kale and Princess Pepper cautiously began to remove the mysterious green garden intruder from the ground.

When they were done, they took a step back and examined their find.

“What do you think?” asked Princess Pepper.

“Well, it’s very green” replied Queen Kale, “but not as green as broccoli or spinach or even Kale.”

“Or green pepper,” added Princess Pepper.

“Or green pepper,” agreed Queen Kale. “It is very round. Like a potato or an onion or a rutabaga,” continued the Queen.

“Or a green pepper,” added Princess Pepper.

“Or a green pepper,” agreed Queen Kale. “It is very big. Much larger than a squash or a cabbage or a cauliflower”.

“Or a green pepper,” added Princess Pepper.

“Or a green pepper,” agreed Queen Kale

The Queen and the Princess stared at the strange green, round, big thing quietly until the Queen got an idea.

“Princess Pepper,” she began, “If this green thing grew right here in the carrot garden, then it must be a vegetable,” said the Queen wisely. “And if it is a vegetable, then I suggest that we take a bite out of it and see how it tastes.”

Princess Pepper scrunched up her little dog nose, “I bet it tastes awful. It looks so different.”

“Yes, it does look different from any vegetable I’ve ever seen before, but different can be good,” said the Queen. “Maybe it’s a brand new kind of vegetable? Maybe it’s the most delicious vegetable you will ever taste? Maybe even more delicious than peppers?” said the Queen.

“Oh I don’t think so!” answered Princess Pepper.

“Well you’ll never know unless you give it a try. How about I taste it first?” asked Queen Kale.

“Be my guest, but I will not try a single bite!” replied Princess Pepper as she crossed her paws.

Queen Kale slowly reached out and touched the mysterious green, round, big thing and noticed that it was very smooth and quite hard. She tapped on it gently with her knuckles. It made a knocking sound, like someone tapping on her front door.

“Oh dear,” said Queen Kale, “it’s quite solid. I don’t think my teeth are strong enough to bite through.”

“Then how will you taste it?” asked Princess Pepper.

“I’m not sure,” replied Queen Kale. The Queen and the Princess pondered silently until the Queen came up with a plan.

“Princess Pepper,” she began, “you know how you love to nibble on the seeds that grow inside of bell peppers?”

“Yes, of course. They’re my favourite!” said Princess Pepper.

“Maybe, the hard green outside of this new vegetable is protecting something delicious on the inside!” said the cleaver Queen.

“As delicious as pepper seeds?” asked the Princess.

“I don’t know, but let’s open it up and find out!” The Queen ran over to her gardening tools and grabbed a trowel. She immediately began to poke and tap at the mysterious green, round, big, hard, smooth, solid, new vegetable but nothing happened. Then she got a better idea. She turned the trowel on its side and using it like a knife, slowly began to cut back and forth, back and forth, until the mystery vegetable split in half. The Queen picked up one of the halves and noticed that the inside was a beautiful soft shade of pink, like the sunset.

“Pepper, look!” exclaimed the Queen, “seeds!” Princess Pepper quickly counted at least a dozen black seeds, about the size of a single kernel of corn each.

“I’m still not sure I want a taste,” said Princess Pepper.

“I can’t wait to try it!” The Queen picked up her trowel and dug a small piece of the mysterious pink stuff out and then slid it from the trowel into her hand. It was very light. It weighed about the same as a handful of peas. Without hesitation, the Queen bravely popped it in her mouth. Princess Pepper watched nervously.

“How is it, Queen Kale?” asked the Princess anxiously. The Queen had her eyes closed as she savored the new vegetable.

“Oh, Pepper. You must give it a try! It’s sweet and juicy and like nothing I’ve ever tasted! It’s delicious!” said the Queen as she dug out another chunk and offered it to her best friend. Princess Pepper decided to be brave. She slowly stuck out her tongue and flicked the small piece of new vegetable into her mouth.

“Well,” asked Queen Kale, “what do you think?”

Princess Pepper burst out in a fit of giggles. “It’s so yummy! And juicy! And delicious! I want more!” said the Princess as she gobbled up another bite, this time with seeds. “YACK! The seeds are hard and bitter and they get stuck in my teeth,” continued the Princess. “Perhaps these seeds aren’t for eating?”

“Perhaps,” said the Queen. “I think we should keep them so we can plant more of this incredible new vegetable.”

“Great idea!” said the Princess.

The two friends laughed some more and gobbled up an entire half of the green, round, big, hard, smooth, solid new vegetable.

The Queen took one last bite and then turned to Princess Pepper, “We must tell all the people of the Kingdom about this delicious new vegetable.” The Princess agreed as she licked some leftovers off of her paws.

“But first, we should give this new vegetable a proper name,” said the Queen. The two friends thought seriously.

“How about Pink Pepper?” said Princess Pepper.

“Well it’s not a pepper,” said the Queen. “How about Pink Surprise? You know because it’s a surprise that the inside is pink?”

“I don’t know.” said Princess Pepper. “What about Black Seed Pepper?”

“It’s not a pepper, you silly!” laughed the Queen. “How about a Giggle Pop?”

“A Giggle Pop? That’s a funny name,” chuckled Princess Pepper.

“Well it made me giggle when I ate it because the sweet, juicy pink part popped in my mouth,” explained Queen Kale.

“Giggle Pop,” repeated the Princess, “I love it!”

“Then this new vegetable shall hereby be named, the Giggle Pop,” announced the Queen proudly.

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Later that afternoon, the Queen revealed the remaining half of the Giggle Pop to her entire kingdom. Everyone was delighted by the discovery of the new vegetable. Sadly, there wasn’t enough Giggle Pop left for the entire kingdom to try. This motivated the two friends to get right to work planting the remaining Giggle Pop seeds.

Several weeks went by. Queen Kale and Princess Pepper waited patiently until one day, dozens of green, round, big, hard, smooth and solid new vegetables appeared in the Giggle Pop garden.

“Giggle Pops for everyone!” declared the Queen as she used her trowel to scoop out bites of Giggle Pop for all to taste. A feeling of joy spread throughout the kingdom. People were laughing and dancing and having a wonderful time.

Once the celebration was over, Queen Kale and Princess Pepper went to work planting more Giggle Pop seeds.

“Queen Kale, ” asked Princess Pepper as she dug a hole in the garden, “do you ever wonder where the first Giggle Pop came from?”

“It came from the carrot garden, you silly,” answered the Queen with a chuckle.

“I know that, but how did it get there? Where did it come from? What if it’s not even a vegetable at all?” asked Princess Pepper thoughtfully.

The Queen pondered for a moment and then began to laugh so hard that she snorted. “Not a vegetable? That is just plain silly, Princess Pepper.”

The Princess crossed her paws. “It’s not silly. Maybe somewhere outside of our Kingdom food exists that is not a vegetable?”

“No way,” said the Queen, “vegetables are the only food in the whole wide world and the Giggle Pop is definitely a vegetable.” The Queen tickled her friend playfully under her fluffy chin.

“I guess you’re right.” said Princess Pepper as she jumped up and gave her best friend a big, sloppy lick on the cheek. The Queen squealed with delight and the two friends spent the rest of the day playing silly games and planting Giggle Pop seeds.

Little did the friends know, they were not alone. A tiny little fruit fairy named Lady Lime had been watching them from behind a blade of grass. When the Queen and the Princess weren’t looking, Lady Lime quickly flew out from her hiding spot and tossed three apple seeds into the Giggle Pop garden. Satisfied with her work, the fruit fairy flew with great speed all the way to her home.

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“Was the mission a success,” demanded Queen Kumquat upon Lady Lime’s return.

“Yes, your highness. The people of the Vegetable Kingdom are eating watermelon,” answered Lady Lime.

“And phase two is in effect?” asked the Queen.

“Yes, your highness. The apple seeds have been scattered,” answered the tiny fruit fairy nervously.

“Excellent work, Lady Lime. Once we get the Vegetable Kingdom eating our delicious fruit, they will forget all about their precious vegetables. And then our kingdom will be the most powerful in all the land!” shouted the evil Queen as she took a large bite out of a slice of watermelon and cackled wildly as she spat the seeds on the ground.

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Are you SO CURIOUS to see what happens next?

ME TOO!

Stay tuned for the next epic adventure of Queen Kale and Princess Pepper.

Love Always,

NFred

P.S. I have never eaten Kale, thus no Kale was harmed in the writing of this story.

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Not A Dog Person

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Almost every day, my youngest son asks me if we can get a dog.

My answer is always the same. “I got you a baby sister instead.” 

I am not a dog person. Not even remotely.

I’m not sure why I don’t like dogs. I’ve never had a traumatizing incident with a canine. In fact, I grew up with dogs. My childhood dogs were fine, but I was never overly attached to them. Perhaps it’s because I have a cold, black heart? Or maybe it’s for the following reasons…

1. Dogs smell. Their breath is all hot and beefy. I hate when dogs lick me. Their meaty mouth slobber gets everywhere and it lingers long after I’ve washed the affected area thoroughly with soap and water. And don’t even get me started on wet dog smell. I classify wet dog smell as being in the same league as these offensive odors; wormy smell that is overwhelming when it rains, burning plastic containers in my dishwasher, Thurso Quebec and old dirty dish rags. If I had a dog, I would follow the golden Gremlin rule of NEVER getting it wet.

2. Dogs are total pervs. They always go straight for your crotch. Big dogs, small dogs, old dogs, puppies, they’re all obsessed with sniffing your privates. How awkward is it when you’re like meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time and their beloved family dog won’t stop rooting around in your business? And dogs love to hump. THEY LOVE IT. There is nothing worse than having your leg violated by a horny hound. 

3. Dogs are like toddlers that never grow up. Not only do you have to feed them and bathe them, you also have to make arrangements for someone to look after your dog if you’re going away. Dogs have zero independence. They depend on their human to walk them and brush them and pick up their poop. They literally can’t do anything on their own. And what do humans get in return for taking such excellent care of their canine companions? Dog hair all over their clothes, astronomical vet bills and the joy of using plastic bags to pick up their shit.

I don’t want to say that I hate all dogs. That wouldn’t be fair. I do actually like one dog. He belongs to my best friend. His name is Bui. He’s a male dog who has never once humped me or sniffed my privates. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him bark. He’s very civilized and doesn’t seem overly needy. The reason why Bui is such a nice dog is because he is actually part cat. I whole heartily believe that Bui’s parents were engaged in a very taboo relationship.

You see, Bui’s father was a blue collar, working class dog named Ralph. He worked long hours at the local steel mill. Francesca was the beautiful feline companion of the steel mill’s owner. She was fluffy and white and she fell hard for Ralph from the moment their eyes met. They began a torrid and highly secret affair. What began as something purely physical soon turned into a deep love.

One winter night, the lovers where discovered canoodling by the mill owner. In a fit of rage, the owner banished Ralph from his steel mill and banned Francesca from ever seeing him again. Francesca went into a deep depression for several weeks until she learned that she was pregnant with Ralph’s baby. When she mustered up enough courage, she escaped from the mill owner’s home. She ran quickly into the night, only stopping once she was outside Ralph’s door. He had only taken her to his small apartment once, saying that he was embarrassed to bring such a classy cat to his crummy bachelor pad. She softly knocked at the door. When Ralph appeared he couldn’t believe his eyes.He swooped her up in his arms and they hugged and cried and laughed. Knowing that the canines and felines of their town would not be excepting of their interspecies relationship, Ralph and Francesca fled to the most remote corner of the forest. They lived a simple life full of love and joy. Their happiness was amplified by the birth of their baby boy, Bui. 

When Bui became a teenager, his insatiable curiosity to see the world overwhelmed him. His parents reluctantly let him leave the forest. Bui went on many grand adventures before settling down with my best friend in a small town in Eastern Ontario. 

The moral of this story is that if all dogs were raised partly by cats, I would like them more.

Also, if there were such a thing as a non smelly, non pervy, independent dog that could clean up its own poop, I MIGHT consider getting one as a pet…

MAYBE.

Actually, no. I just thought about it. 

I’m still not a dog person.

 

 

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The Curse

800px-Troll_Warning

Last night while I was fast asleep, an evil troll snuck into my house.

With ninja like stealth, he crept into my room and made himself cozy between my husband and I in our bed.

He didn’t make a single sound or move a single muscle for five long hours. He just laid in our bed and listened for the signal.

At five o’clock, a morning dove cooed ever so softly in my backyard.

This was the signal the troll had been waiting to hear. It was finally curse time.

The troll slowly sat up and immediately cast sleeping spells on my husband and I. He could not risk either of us waking up and ruining his diabolical plan.

Then, he moved his repulsive face extremely close to mine and began chanting in my ear;

The story is gone.

The idea is dead.

I curse this story

to stay trapped in your head.

He repeated this sixteen times and then blew as hard as he could into my left ear. His troll breath was so hot and putrid that it burned the curse deep into my mind.

Satisfied with his work, he scurried out of my house and vanished into the early morning light.

I woke up about an hour later to the sound of my husband in the shower and a very loud bird making strange noises outside.

I laid in bed for a few minutes, thinking about the day ahead. I remembered my super awesome blog post idea and got excited. This was going to be my most creative and best writing ever!

The day went on as usual. Got the boys ready for school, took my daughter to the park, fed her lunch and then put her down for her nap. Finally it was time to write.

As I sat down at my lap top, all fired up to bang out an epic post, something odd happened.

I absolutely could not put my idea in writing. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but everything  just came out wrong. I wrote and deleted a staggering amount of sentences.

I spent my entire afternoon feeling frustrated.

After dinner, I sat down and tried again.

Nothing.

I could literally hear crickets.

What’s wrong with me? It’s like this epic idea is just sitting inside my noggin, mocking me.

About an hour ago, I started to write a post about my plight.

It was so boring, I almost lapsed into a coma.

It was promptly deleted.

I think it’s time for me to officially give up for the day.

What a disappointing day of writing.

Maybe once I stop obsessing about this idea, it’ll just flow right out of me.

Fingers crossed that this bout of writer’s block is only temporary.

It’s not like I’m cursed, right???

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