Tag Archives: asshats

NFred: Totally Bananas.

Holy crap on a cracker, how the heck are you?

I know, it’s been forever since I’ve written ANYTHING and I appologize. To say that my life has been totally bananas since the end of January would be an understatement.

Here’s a run down of what’s been going down with NFred;

asshat

  1. The Toy Shop where I worked for over twelve years closed its doors at the end of January. It’s sad and I miss my work family dearly. I knew my location was closing since September, so it wasn’t a shock, but it was a long drawn out process of repeatedly telling customers the sad news. It was also exhausting trying to keep my rage in check when asshats asked strangely personal questions about my future and demanded to know what was on sale. One asshat in particular singled me out to explain to his five year old grandson why I was closing his favourite store. I explained to the little guy as best I could through clenched teeth while wanting nothing more than to yell at Asshat Grandpa that it wasn’t MY decision. The high point of having the store close occurred when I got to fulfil my life long dream of cracking a beer IN THE SHOP once we closed the door for the last time. Dreams do come true, kids!

    tea-snob

  2. I took a few days off after the store closed and then returned to start work at a different Toy Shop location downtown. A thriving store in a distinguished neighbourhood with full shelves and zero asshats asking about the closing of my former location. The staff was lovely and I fell in love with a hipster tea shop on the same street that converted me into an obnoxious tea snob. I was happy to work there. Sure the commute sucked and I was nervous about being far from my diabetic son, but I was cautiously optimistic. Until…

    pump-up-the-jam

  3. On February sixth, my son made the switch from injections to an insulin pump to help better manage his diabetes. The first couple of days were a total gong show. Soaring high blood sugars followed by random lows. I had taken the week off work to help my son adjust to his new life and I’m so glad that I did. I wasn’t prepared for how much work the switch would entail. Waking up every two hours at night to test his blood sugar, weighing every single piece of food that he was going to put in his mouth, doing more math than I’ve ever done in my entire life to figure out carb counts , writing countless emails to his school to make sure they knew how to keep him alive. Exhausting. Things are slowly starting to fall into place, but I quickly realized that I needed to be closer to my son. My old Toy Shop was a five minute drive from my son’s school. In an emergency, I could get there quickly. The downtown Toy Shop was far, too far for me. Call me a Helicopter Mom or a Worry Wart or a Nervous Nelly if you please, but when it comes to my son’s health, I put him first. Always. So I made the agonising decision to resign from the Toy Shop so that I could be closer to my boy. It sucks. I’m sad. The Toy Shop was a huge part of my life, but in the end, I know I made the right decision.

    nfred-bum-wiper

  4. In my sleep deprived delirium, I accepted an offer to work at a ridiculously adorable preschool in my neighbourhood. I am officially a Teacher’s Aid and have found myself the ever elusive Monday to Friday, nine to five job that is the unicorn of the retail world as those hours just don’t exist! I work with kids aged fifteen months to three years old and feel that a more fitting job title would be Professional Snot Wiper, Bum Changer and Toddler Herder. I had my first day last week and survived. A child even told me that I was beautiful. Will this be my forever career? I have no idea, but for now it works and I’m happy.

Holy Hell! I sure can ramble on about myself. If any of you are still reading and haven’t lapsed into a coma, this is the part where I talk about the future of What NFred Said.

nfred you need to write

I love this blog with all my heart. It’s like my fourth child. Fingers crossed, now that life is settling down a smidge and I have snagged myself regular working hours, I can FINALLY devote more time to writing. My problem has always been that I have more ideas than time. I hope to get on a permanent writing schedule soon. I’d also like to clean my disgusting home, get into shape, win a million dollars and find a cure for diabetes, but I’m taking it one day at a time.

Thanks everyone for reading. I hope all of you are having a splendid 2017. I promise I won’t be a stranger. Let’s chat soon, okay?

Until next time,

NFred.

 

 

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NFred’s Delicious Little Secret.

I couldn’t quite place her, but I knew that she looked familiar.

It was at my son’s hockey evaluations a few weeks ago. She was registering the kids as they arrived at the arena.

“What’s your name, Honey”, she asked my son. He answered and she sweetly told him which dressing room to use and wished him good luck.

As I sat shivering  in the stands, watching my son play, it suddenly came to me.

IT WAS HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

A few years ago while working at The Toy Shop, I had a customer who was very upset with the quality of our free gift wrapping service. I remember that she bought an item and asked to have it wrapped. As I was removing the price tags, she went off on an unprovoked rant about how poorly wrapped her previous purchase had been and that she had to redo the whole thing HERSELF in her car because she was too embarrassed to give such a horrible looking gift. I apologised and took extra care to fluff the tissue and curl the ribbon to perfection. When I asked her if it looked okay, she rolled her eyes, snatched the bag from my hands and said, “I’ll do it myself” before storming out of the store.

It was one of the most perplexing customer interactions I’ve ever had in my entire retail career. How could someone be so upset about a totally optional and completey FREE service?

I sat there in the stands, my butt frozen and fingers numb and I smiled. As if this was the same woman who just called my son “Honey”! What I delicious little secret I had.

And the best part?

I’ve seen her on a weekly basis at the rink ever since.

 

Needless to say, I’ve been a little guarded in my interactions with her. I’m cautiously waiting for her inner asshat to escape.

In all fairness, I don’t know this woman. She could lead a very difficult life. But there’s just something about people who aren’t cordial to those in customer service jobs. Your server, cashier, the person that pumps your gas are all paid to help you in one way or another. However, being outlets for your misplaced anger is NOT part of their job description.

Anyhoo, it’s going to be an interesting hockey season to say the least! Last week I made sure to wear my staff shirt to see if she’d say anything, but no dice.

Who knows, maybe we’ll become friends and one day we’ll laugh about her inner asshat?!?!!? It’s not likely, but you never know….life is full of surprises…

Thanks for reading,

NFred.

 

 

 

 

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NFred’s Top Tips For Working Retail On Black Friday.

black friday zombies

Tomorrow marks my third consecutive year of working at the toy shop on Black Friday. Having survived Black Friday in retail twice, I consider myself a bit of an expert on the subject. If you’re a Black Friday virgin, new to retail or if the idea of people swarming your store’s entrance before sunrise makes you break out in a cold sweat, then this post is for you!

NFred’s Top Tips For Working Retail On Black Friday

1. The most important thing you can do to prepare for working on Black Friday happens on Black Friday Eve. Before you go to bed, ask yourself, “is there any alcohol in my home?” If the answer is no, you best run to the Liquor Store! Trust me, you’ll need something boozy in your system the instant you enter your domicile after your shift is done. Beer, wine, vodka, tequila, it doesn’t matter what you choose, as long as there’s LOTS.

2. The moment you wake up on Black Friday, begin your caffeine consumption. I can not stress enough how important it is to keep your caffeine level dangerously high throughout the day. If you’re vibrating, you’re good. Whatever you do, don’t let yourself fall victim to a caffeine crash. There’s no time to be tired on Black Friday, dammit! Make sure to have an ample supply of caffeine laden drinks in your staff room. You will need them more than oxygen.

3. What you chose to wear for your Black Friday shift is crucial. It may be November and chilly outside, but dress like it’s August in the desert. Your store is going to be full of people and hotter than hell. You’ll be sweating more than Richard Simmons leading an aerobics class in the eighties. If possible, wear a short sleeve shirt and light pants. Tomorrow is not the day to don your new wool sweater or extra cozy flannel shirt. You will melt.

4. Make sure you pack a lunch for Black Friday. Unless you’re The Flash, there’s no way you could zip over to the food court, grab a bite to eat and be back to your store before your half hour break is over. I estimate that there will be at least a quadrillion shoppers out in the malls tomorrow and most will congregate wherever food is sold. The line ups will be insane and I personally don’t want to spend my entire break among the cranky and the hungry. So pack a lunch and a plethora of snacks. My Black Friday Diet Plan will include selections from the chocolate, candy, cake and chip food groups. I feel like a solid amount of junk food will help balance out all of the caffeine in my system. And my dining location? A cozy little nook in the back of my store’s stockroom where I can hide from all of the chaos.

5. Black Friday customers are not your average shoppers. They’re like zombies who feed on bargains instead of brains. They want deals and they want them NOW. They get so drunk on discounts that they often forget how basic human conversation works. Expect to be interrupted, waved over, barked at and my personal favourite, summoned over by aggressive finger snapping. Customers will demand to know what’s on sale and complain about items that are regular priced. This will be ninety-five percent of your customer interactions. So how does one deal with all of the rudeness and lack of manners? Channel your inner Taylor Swift and SHAKE. IT. OFF. When a customer is being particularly horrible to me, I like to remind myself that they must be a very sad and lonely person. If treating me like shit and ruining my day is the only thing that makes them feel good about their crappy little life, well kudos to them for being an asshat. Don’t let negativity ruin your day! Don’t sink to their level! And if all else fails, retreat into your store’s backroom, close the door, go into the corner and SWEAR to your heart’s content. Take a few deep breaths, pound some chocolate and head back out into the trenches with your head held high.

6. My most important tip for working retail on Black Friday is to support your coworkers. Lean on them! Encourage them! Love them! They know EXACTLY what you’re going through. If they’re dealing with a difficult customer, help them out! If you see them yawning, share your caffeine stash! If they need to vent, lend them your ear! Your coworkers will keep you sane during all of the madness.

I hope my top tips will prove useful for all of my brave retail brothers and sisters who are working tomorrow.

I wish you all a happy Black Friday and may the odds be ever in your favour!I

Until we meet again,

NFred.

P.S. If you don’t work in retail and plan on doing some shopping tomorrow, I strongly suggest that you read this first. It’s by one of my favourite bloggers…

https://nfrederick78.wordpress.com/2013/11/20/top-tips-if-you-suffer-from-a-s-s/

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Are You A Jerk? A Poem by NFred.

 

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Are you a jerk?

Do you do jerky things?

Do you answer your cellphone whenever it rings?

Regardless if you’re at the movies or a funeral?

Would you chat away while using a urinal?

 

Are you a jerk?

Do you often act rude?

Does dealing with people sour your mood?

Are you mean to servers, clerks and cashiers?

Do you use them as targets for eye rolls and jeers?

 

Are you a jerk?

Do you regularly litter?

Do you leave pee on the seat after using the shitter?

Do you use all the paper and not tell a soul,

just to avoid changing the roll?

 

Are you a jerk?

Maybe you are?

Do you get filled with rage while driving your car?

Do you flip off old grannies who drive too slow?

Honk at pedestrians while screaming “GO, GO GO”?

 

 

If you’re a jerk,

then I’m sad to say,

you’ll surely turn into an asshat one day.

If becoming an asshat fills you with fear,

then take a seat and lend me your ear.

 

There is a cure for being a jerk,

and it doesn’t even take that much work.

Simply be kind to those you encounter,

smile and be courteous when engaging in banter.

 

There’s one more thing that I need to say,

if you’re a jerk,

you must not delay,

get your head out of your ass  TODAY.

 

 

 

 

 

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Frustrating Friday

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Today was a legendary day in the world of retail.

L E G E N D A R Y.

Every single terrible customer in the history of the universe decided to come shopping at my store.

Here are the top three offenders…

1. Irate granny who didn’t get her senior’s discount. When I refunded her the difference, she complained that it took me too long and put everyone in a bad mood. When I told her I was in great spirits she rolled her eyes at me.

2. Strange french speaking woman who went on and on about how she bought the same product that we sell for $3.49 for $0.99 in the United States. This baffled her to no end. Her mind was totally blown. She might never be the same.

3. Creepy twins with even creepier parents who are regulars at our store and stay there for HOURS. Today they spent a good two hours in the morning and probably a solid hour after lunch. Creepy twin dad even asked us for a chair to sit on and if we could fill up his water bottle. We said no to both because I work at a toy store and not a spa. At one point, creepy dad even asked me to watch his twins while he went to another store. They are five. FIVE. Obviously he thinks we are both a spa and a daycare. 

Now that I am sitting in my cozy house, double fisting beer, I can laugh at the irksome behaviors that I had to endure. 

Deep down in my cold black heart, I feel sorry for these people. Their lives must be so miserable. The only way they can feel better about themselves is to be complete ass-hats.

This terrible day was not a total wash. I came home to a delicious bbq dinner, my son scored a goal at soccer AND there are cookies in my cupboard. 

AND DID I MENTION THAT I AM DRINKING BEER?

I wonder what all the ass-hats are doing right now???

Actually, I don’t want to know. I just want to sit here in the beautiful silence of my home and forget that they even exist.

 

*Serious italic time…I feel bad for writing such a bitchy and unkind post. These people might be swell individuals. Who am I to judge them? I’m just some mom who works in a toy store. I really should try to be a nicer person…I really should. But it’s so easy to hate people who treat you like used toilet paper. I’m sure there’s some good inside of them…deep, deep, deep down. Like maybe they are good at recycling or baking or origami or underwater basket weaving or shoveling snow or breathing.

 

 

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