Tomorrow is my birthday.
Over the past thirty-seven years, I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well. I know what I like and am passionate about the things that I don’t.
In celebration of my day of birth, I’ve compiled a random list of thirty-seven things that I’ll never do. Although this sounds negative, it’s totally not.
It’s simply me, in list form.
NFred’s Totally Random “Never Do” List.
1. I will never like wine. I assumed that I would grow into a wine drinker as I aged, but it’s not going to happen. I hate the way wine feels in my mouth, all dry and sour. The closest I’ve ever come to being a wine drinker was that time I drank beer from a wine glass.
2. I will never be classy. I enjoy farting too much.
3. I will never stop swearing. The best people I know have mouths on them that would make old ladies faint. Swearers are honest, genuine people who don’t give a fuck if you’re offended by their vocabulary. No, I don’t swear in front of my kids or while helping customers at work, but an appropriately placed curse word can really help get a point across.
4. I will never like sushi. I’ve tried both vegetarian and fish sushi and all I have to say is SO MUCH MUSH IN MY MOUTH.
5. I will never wear high heels. I have nothing against high heeled shoes, but they just aren’t for me. Besides, sneakers look great with everything, especially formal wear.
6. I will never wear contact lenses. My glasses are such a part of me, they’re like an extra limb.
7. I will never wear high waisted jeans. That fad should have stayed in the seventies. There is nothing appealing to me about jeans that give the illusion of having a freakishly long vagina.
8. I will never understand Twitter. Like what’s the point? Isn’t sending a tweet essentially the same thing as talking to yourself?
9. I will never win a CBC writing contest. I know this as fact because my writing isn’t “tragically Canadian” enough.
10. I will never understand the ending of Lost. My husband has explained it to me countless times and it has to be more confusing than quantum physics.
11. I will never stop worrying. Just this morning I’ve worried about a rash on my cheek, shark attacks, the end of the world, bee stings and internet predators. I’ve always struggled with anxiety. It’s a good thing it doesn’t stop me from being awesome as fuck.
12. I will never stop loving my husband. He’s currently sitting in his underwear, passionately playing nerdy computer games with our kids. Swoon!
13. I will never like dogs. My opinion on this matter will only change when dogs start picking up their own poop.
14. I will never love my grey hair. I’m trying really hard to embrace my newly lightened locks. I don’t want to dye my hair, but I don’t want grey hair either. My youngest son loves my grey. He thinks I look like a mad scientist. I think I look old. Why is life so hard?!?!?!?
15. I will never like yoga. If I’m going to make an effort to workout, you better believe that there will be dance music, hip isolations and grapevines involved. Silent stretching really doesn’t turn my crank.
16. I will never stop loving chocolate. Chocolate is my jam, my joie de vivre, my soulmate.
17. I will never stop using the word awesome. It’s an awesome word that I use an awesome amount each and every day.
18. I will never enjoy baths. A bath is essentially making soup stock out of your own filth.
19. I will never sleep with the blankets tucked into the bed. Hello claustrophobia! Why not sleep in a coffin?
20. I will never stop loving Sallie Bee. She is the best. She sent me a llama postcard in the mail last week. If you like llamas, you should really get to know her. She’s also a great knitter, swearer and hug giver.
21. I will never enjoy wearing a bathing suit. They just aren’t comfortable. And they never cover my whole ass. Even as a child, my bum cheeks would always peek out of the bottom of my suit. My daughter has inherited this problem. The bum hang struggle is real.
22. I will never grow tired of camping. Sleeping in a tent, swimming in a lake, day drinking, roasting marshmallows in a camp fire and not bathing for days. What’s not to love?
23. I will never stop wanting more tattoos. If I were rich, I would have so many! My current list of inky desires include a winking strawberry, a cat saying meow and a shark fin.
24. I will never understand people who claim to have never watched The Simpsons. It’s been on TV for over a hundred years, how have you never seen an episode?
25. I will never come to terms with Jon Snow’s death. Why George R. R. Martin? WHY? Jon Snow was my boyfriend and you better not bring him back to life next season only to kill him again because my heart will explode. I’m so angry about the death of my boyfriend that if I knew where George R. R. Martin lived, I would shit in a paper bag, light it on fire and diabolically place it on his porch. Stomp on my flaming feces, George R. R. Martin, just like you stomped on my heart!!!
26. I will never get into Orange is the New Black. I’ve tried three times. I have way too many shows in my TV rotation to keep one around that’s only effect on me is an overwhelming feeling of “meh”.
27. I will never like Rush. I understand that they’re an iconic Canadian band, but what’s with all the rhyming in their songs?
28. I will never use the phrase “on fleek”. It’s horrendous. It’s the verbal equivalent of a dry heave.
29. I will never have perfect eyebrows, and that’s okay. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I either over pluck or don’t pluck enough. I’m currently on an eyebrow grooming hiatus and it feels good.
30. I will never stay at a job where the people suck. Honestly, I’m so lucky to work with such a kick ass group of people. They can make even the most tedious retail tasks enjoyable. And they often share snacks.
31. I will never insist that my oldest son cuts his hair. He’s had long hair since he was seven. Does he look like a girl? Yes. Does looking like a girl bother him? No. Does it bother me? Please. I have bigger things to worry about (read # 11 again). I’m proud that my son has the confidence to wear his hair long. He once told me that he doesn’t even know why people think calling a boy a girl is a bad thing because, in his own words, “girls and boys are the same”.
32. I will never add or subtract without using my fingers. Math is hard and stupid.
33. I will never understand why customers ask me if I speak French, in English, and when I say “oui” and continue in French, they switch back to English. So confusing. So awkward. How do I proceed? In French or English? Is my French really that bad?Je ne sais pas. Ca me donne mal a la tete.
34. I will never understand why my back neighbours never clean up their dog’s shit off of their deck.
35. I will never enjoy watching curling on TV. My husband loves him some curling. For some unknown reason, he finds the act of watching rocks sliding on ice and hitting other rocks enjoyable. I think I’d rather have a pap test, thanks.
36. I will never keep a house plant alive. I’m a plant murderer. The only plants currently in my home are of the artificial variety and they’re thriving.
37. I will never stop writing.
Thanks for reading my super long list.
In my old age, I hope to be true to myself, to stay weird and to make people laugh.
Until we meet again,