My stomach’s always been a touch “off”. When I was kid, I would get horrible stomach aches. As I got older, my stomach would often rebel against me during times of stress. But since the birth of my third child in 2011, my stomach’s been a disaster. I’ve spent the better part of the last three years being either clogged up or having to run to the toilet several times a day.
And I smell.
Imagine a pungent mixture of sulfur, rotting potatoes and beef. Now add a dash of music festival outhouse and a hint of hard boiled egg. This is how my farts smell…on a good day.
The gas coming out of my anus is heinous.
It’s an olfactory abomination.
IT MUST BE STOPPED.
About a month ago, I finally went to see my doctor about my messed up stomach. I told him the long, sorted story of my bathroom habits and death farts. He suggested I get an ultrasound of my stomach and he sent me for blood tests. He wondered if I had some sort of blockage in my colon and set up and appointment for me to get a colonoscopy.
A few days after seeing my doctor, I drove across town to have a consultation at the colonoscopy clinic. I hoped that they would say that I didn’t need to have a camera shoved up my poop shoot, but this was not the case. I left the clinic with an appointment for the procedure and a prescription for some hard core laxatives.
The day before my colonoscopy was one of the worst in my life. For starters, I couldn’t eat anything.
NO SOLID FOOD.
By noon, I was starving. The clear liquids I was allowed to ingest were not satisfying my hunger. All I could think about was eating a mountainous pile of grilled cheese sandwiches. I wanted to simultaneously punch things and cry and laugh due to food withdrawal.
At dinner time, my family sat down to a nice meal and I started my “colon cleanse”.
The “colon cleanse” entailed drinking a glass of this vile laxative concoction every ten minutes for three hours. This stuff was called Peg-Lyte and tasted like crushed Aspirin mixed with a hint of artificial fruit punch for flavour and perhaps a dash of bleach to help burn my insides.
After my third glass, my stomach starting making some pretty intense noises. What happened next was not much of a “colon cleanse”, but more of a “bowel blowout”.
For several hours all of my bodily fluids made a violent mass exodus out of my ass.
It was awful.
I went through two entire rolls of toilet paper and was waddling like a penguin by the end of my “colon cleanse”. And let me tell you, Johnny Cash must have been prepping for a colonoscopy when he wrote “Ring of Fire”. No one should ever have to experience butt burn like that.
After a horrible sleep, I had to wake up at five in the morning to chug another litre of fucking Peg-Lyte. I don’t know how, but MORE poop came out of me. WASN’T MY COLON CLEAN ENOUGH, DAMMIT?!?!?!?!?!?
The entire drive to the colonoscopy clinic, I willed myself not to shit my pants. I was prepared for this to happen, so I packed a pair of emergency back up pants, just in case. Luckily, I didn’t have to use them.
When I got to the clinic, I was greeted by a friendly nurse who escorted me into a room where she got me all prepped for my procedure. She then told me it would be a few minutes until the doctor would come and get me for my colonoscopy.
It felt like three hours passed by the time the doctor showed up. I hopped onto a hospital bed and was wheeled away. The last thing I remember was a handsome anesthesiologist telling me that he was going to give me a shot of something and that I would fall into a deep sleep. I was pumped to get me some drugs. The promise of drugs was the only reason I agreed to have a colonoscopy in the first place.
It felt like I just blinked, but I must have been totally out because I suddenly realized that I was in a different room. Was it over? I didn’t see anything or feel anything? BUT WAIT! My butt crack was no longer on fire! How come? I didn’t care! A nurse came over and asked if I wanted some juice and cookies. I believe my reply was, “HELL YEAH”. I couldn’t get those cookies in my mouth fast enough. I don’t even remember what kind they were, but I’m sure I heard a choir singing “Hallelujah” while I ate them.
I may have been a tad high.
Half way through my second cookie the doctor appeared to inform me that the procedure had gone well and that I had a healthy and normal colon. He suspected that all my stomach issues had to do with constipation and urged me to eat more fiber and drink lots of water. I started cracking up when I realized that my whole problem was that I was literally FULL OF SHIT. The doctor smiled at me and asked if I had any questions, so logically I asked him if I could go home and eat a grilled cheese sandwich. He laughed and said that would be fine and then I’m pretty sure I told him that I loved him.
I may have been VERY high.
When I got home, my husband made me the best grilled cheese sandwich of my life and I chased that with a pint glass full of chocolate milk. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon napping and farting…two of my favourite things.
So what did I learn from having a colonoscopy?
For starters, the procedure itself is a breeze and is nothing to be afraid of because DRUGS.
The prep was something that I wish to forget but will live on in the depths of my nightmares.
I’m glad I had it done because it’s given me total piece of mind. I don’t have to waste time worrying that I have a terrible stomach disease any more.
And remarkably, my death farts seem to have improved! Maybe it’s eating better and drinking more water that’s helping, but I suspect that the “colon cleanse” had a part in making my farts less offensive.
All in all, being uncomfortable for a few days was totally worth it. I’m glad I got to the BOTTOM of my stomach issues.
See what I did there?
That was a colonoscopy pun.
Hardy har har!
Bum puns are my favourite…they’re a real gas!
Until we meet again,