My husband and I were innocently cleaning up after dinner the other night when we heard something vile coming from the kitchen table. We both stopped in our tracks and stared at each other in horror.
Our boys, aged six and nine, where being led in a passionate rendition of the classic Sir Mix-A-Lot jam,” Baby’s Got Back, by our three year old daughter.
My Anaconda don’t
My Anaconda don’t
My Anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns, hun.
My husband and I were frozen by the shame that came with the realization that we were horrible parents. The only thing that made me feel better was knowing that my children had no idea what the song was actually about. I’m pretty sure they think it’s about a giant amazon snake that doesn’t want to hang out with you unless you have snacks, like cinnamon buns or dinner rolls, right? Right. Because giant snakes must have to eat a lot of carbs right? Right. And who doesn’t like bread, right? Right.
Since their sibling sing a long, I’ve wondered what other offensive songs have creeped into their little ears. It seems like every song on the radio lately is about bums or sex or sexy bums. Female and male artists are throwing around the sexual innuendos like dollar bills in a strip club. I wonder what it would sound like if these artists stopped using all of the confusing metaphors and just straight up sang their horny, sexed up bum songs? I imagine my children’s favourite song would take on an extremely awkward tone;
My giant penis does not
My giant penis does not
My giant penis does not want to have sex with you unless you have a humongous bum because that is my own personal sexual fetish and has nothing to do with you, as a person. Also, I feel the need to call my penis “my anaconda” because I have very low self esteem and am over compensating for the fact that I actually hate myself and cry myself to sleep at night while clutching my childhood teddy bear.
Another popular bum centric song of late is “Wiggle” by Jason Derulo and Snoop Dogg. The chorus of this song is pretty self explanatory;
You know what to do with that big fat butt!
Wiggle! Wiggle! Wiggle!
My children delight in screaming the word BUTT at the top of their lungs to this particular club banger. I especially enjoy when they break out this song in public places like the grocery store or at the bus stop or when we’re visiting relatives. Remember when I said I was a horrible parent? Yeah, I wasn’t joking. Although I understand the chorus of this song, things get a little hazy during this particular verse;
Patty cake patty cake
With no hands
Got me in this club making wedding plans
If I take pictures while you do your dance
I can make you famous on Instagram
Hot damn it, ooh
Your booty like two planets ooh
Go head, and go ham sandwich
I can’t stand it
How does one even play patty cake with no hands? And what does “go ham sandwich” mean? Is he strongly hinting that he’d like someone to fix him a snack?
After some grueling work, I have come up with new literal lyrics for this song;
I want to play a sexy patty cake game using only our private parts.
If you agree to do this, I will ask for your hand in marriage.
Then you shall do a seductive dance for me while I take artistic photographs.
After that, I’ll put the photographs on Instagram and you’ll let me because I’ll promise you fame.
Hot damn it, oh…umm…wait a second.
This is super awkward. I’ve just noticed that your bum is freakishly large. So big that it literally looks like two planets.
I take back my wedding proposal because I was unaware you suffered from elephantitis of the ass.
Don’t be sad. I bet making me a ham sandwich will make you feel better.
You should maybe get that checked by a doctor.
It might not be as catchy as the original, but at least this version has a clear message; if your ass, or any part of your body swells to the size of two planets, seek medical attention immediately.
I’ve already established that I’m a horrible parent. It must run in my family because I clearly remember belting out Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” when I was around the same age as my kids. In fact, I believe my parents even video taped a particularly spirited performance of mine where their terrible parent laughter can be heard in the background. Obviously, I had no idea what I was singing about and was once as naive to sexy song lyrics as my children are today. And I turned out okay, right? Right.