I’ve worked in retail for the majority of my adult life.
I’ve seen things.
I thought I had pretty much seen it all, until last week.
Gather around and let me tell you the tale of my first, and hopefully last, pantless customer.
I work at a toy store in a relatively quiet suburban mall. Our clientele is comprised mostly of young families and grannies. On Fridays, I work the day shift with my boss.
Last Friday started off quite pleasantly. Boss Lady and I went to get coffee, chatted each other’s ears off about our week and our kids and the general goings on of the store.
At nine thirty, we promptly opened the store, served customers and drank our coffee. It was a pretty quiet morning. A little over an hour passed when Boss Lady had to make some phone calls. She went into our back room while I served a couple of customers. As I was ringing through a sale, a tall blond woman and an older gentleman sauntered into the store. I flashed them a quick smile and noticed that the woman was wearing a really short “dress”. I didn’t think much of it as I finished up with my customer. As soon as I was done, the older gentleman approached me and asked if I could help him find a certain board game. I wasn’t sure if we had it in stock, so I walked over to the game section of the store to investigate. When I arrived at my destination, I was greeted by both the man’s female companion and her bare bum.
Let me explain.
The woman was bent over, looking at something on a lower shelf. Her bending movement must have forced her very short “dress” to ride up her body, hence exposing a large portion of her naked behind.
To give you an idea of how much naked behind was exposed, I would like you to imagine that you are dunking a delicious Oreo cooking in a tall glass of milk.
Give it a good dunk.
Now look at that cookie before you eat it.
I bet there’s milk covering at least half of your cookie. If you’re like me, you like to double dunk. thus there is a high probability that there’s more than half of your cookie that remains milkless.
Now back to the naked bum. Imagine her “dress” as the milk and her behind as the cookie. She was definitely a double dunker because I certainly saw more than half of her bare bum.
When my eyes landed on her exposed rear end, I felt like I was driving beside the scene of a car accident because I didn’t want to look, but I couldn’t look away. I fumbled over my words as I searched for Bare Bum Betty’s board game. I couldn’t find it and was relieved when I could leave the scene of awkward nudity to go and search my inventory on the store computer.
As I was taking my time on the computer, Boss Lady emerged from the back room still on the phone. I jotted down a quick note that said, “looks like one of our customer’s forgot to put on their pants this morning”, and passed it discreetly to her as I finished up on the computer. She read it and then gave me a weird look. I gently nodded my head in the direction of Bare Bum Betty and her gentleman companion. Boss Lady, still on the phone, walked over to the game section and then quickly walked back towards me with an expression of sheer horror on her face. As I passed her, I held in a nervous giggle and went to tell Bare Bum Betty’s gentleman companion that sadly we did not have the board game he was looking for. Lucky for me, Bare Bum Betty was no longer bent over, but an uncomfortable amount of her bare bum was still on display. I felt myself sweating as I recommended a couple of other games. After what felt like ten hours, the older gentleman thanked me for my help and said they would look around for a few minutes.
I was overjoyed to be relieved of my duties. I walked back to the cash area where Boss Lady was no longer on the phone. We both sort of stared at each other, not sure how to proceed about the nudity in our store. The only pantless customers either of us had ever encountered before were babies in onesies.
Moments later, Bare Bum Betty’s gentleman companion called out, “thanks” from the board game section. Hand in hand with his half naked gal, they exited the store. Boss Lady and I watched in disbelief as Betty’s bare bum dangled “cheekily” from her “dress”. I swear it looked as if her bum was waving us goodbye.
Boss Lady and I spent the remainder of the day working and debating weather or not our “rear” view exposed more than just Betty’s bare bum. I swear I saw a third naked “cheek” peeking out from under her “dress” as she exited the store. What I’m trying so eloquently to say is that I may have seen a small portion of Betty’s bare vagina popping out to join the bare bum party as she walked away.
Since this incident occurred last Friday, I’ve been searching for a reasonable explanation as to why Bare Bum Betty wasn’t wearing any pants. Here’s what I’ve come up with;
1. She was on her way to a Sharon Stone look-a-like contest where she was going to reenact the famous leg uncrossing scene from Basic Instinct.
2. She once spilled an extra large coffee all over her pants and was so traumatized that she vowed to NEVER wear pants again.
3. She just had a Brazilian wax and her lady bits swelled up severely due to an allergic reaction to the hot wax, hence no pants.
4. She was swindled by a crooked pant merchant who charged her a hundred dollars for the hottest new fashion accessory; invisible pants.
5. Her gentleman companion is that crooked pant merchant.
6. We were on a hidden camera TV show.
7. She thought a peplum top was actually a tiny dress.
8. She has excessive bum sweat.
Almost a week has passed and I’m still plagued by unanswered questions concerning Bare Bum Betty. I wonder if maybe she was aware that her bum was showing and simply did not care? Maybe she was making a statement about society’s obsession with female nudity? Maybe she’s an activist and wants to get pantlessness legalized? Whatever her reasons, Bare Bum Betty has rightfully earned a coveted spot on my list of infamous toy store customers along side such legends as Creepy Dad, Crazy Grumpy Grandma, Lava Lamp Man, It Took Me Two Planes To Get Here Woman, Tim Horton’s Cup Urinator, Constant Baby Talk Mom, Graphic Birth Story Oversharer and Woman Who Called Her Husband A Pussy.
Until we meet again,
A pants wearing NFred.