Happy Mother’s Day!






**I wrote this last night but only got around to publishing it this morning, hence why it opens with “Tomorrow is Mother’s Day”. Just thought I’d clear that all up for y’all!



Tomorrow is Mother’ Day.

Being a mother myself, I’m PUMPED.

Bring on the macaroni necklaces, hand print crafts and glitter glue adorned cards.

Bring on the cheesy poems, paintings of me that look like they were done by Jackson Pollock and the chocolates that must be opened and consumed (by the children) at six o’clock in the morning.


This Mother’s Day eve, I find myself pondering what I’ve learned about kids in my nine year career as a mom. Here’s what I’ve come up with…


1. Babies Are Gross. As cute as they are, babies are essentially foul fluid factories. They spend the first year of their lives spitting up, drooling uncontrollably and peeing excessively. And then there’s the poo. SO MUCH POO. After my first baby was born, my husband and I thought that he had some sort of terrible infant stomach flu. Why didn’t anyone tell us that our baby would poo constantly? Why didn’t anyone tell us that newborn poo was supposed to look like mustard? The nurses at the hospital told me repeatedly how to feed and clean my baby, WHY DIDN’T THEY TELL ME ABOUT THE POO???


2. Toddlers Are Bat Shit Crazy. I don’t even know where to start. Toddlers are irrational, emotional, hilarious, stubborn and ridiculous. Any random situation can set them off on an epic trip to Tantrum Town. My kids have freaked out over the following;


1. Not getting the pink cup.

2. Getting the pink cup.

3. Not wanting to go to bed.

4. Not wanting to get out of bed.

5. Buying bread with brown things in it.

6. Not buying bread with brown things in it.

7. Wanting to wear shorts when it’s snowing outside.

8. Wanting to wear mittens in August.

9. Water that is too wet.

10. Blankets that are too tight.

11. Blankets that are not tight enough.

12. Dogs barking.

13. Birds.

14. The car wash.

15. Sharing.


3. Kids Talk Constantly. Once a child begins to talk, they will chat incessantly. Pets, dinosaurs, Thomas the Tank Engine, what they had for lunch, Pokemon, cereal, cartoons, bowel movements, shoelaces, plastic forks. YOU NAME IT, THEY’LL TALK ABOUT IT. They are so very random in their topics of conversation. I’ve had children that I barely know come up to me at parks or schools and blurt out that they had McDonald’s for lunch or that they can jump on one foot or that their mom is afraid of spiders and then run away. So odd. Imagine if adults did that? Kids are also brutally honest and don’t filter what comes out of their mouths. If they don’t like your hair or your noodle casserole or your breath, they will let you know…usually in a public place…in front of a bunch of people that you know.


4. Kids Hear Everything. Parents should learn a foreign language or get really good at non verbal communication because children hear absolutely everything. I dare you to try and have a private conversation with another adult about current news events or a trip to the dentist or ice cream when a child is within ear shot. I DARE YOU. I’m pretty sure kids have the same sonar hearing systems as bats.


5. You Love Them Anyways.  Despite all of their nasty bodily fluids flowing out of their orifices, their craziness, their constant talking and their  inappropriate eavesdropping, parents somehow manage to unconditionally love their kids. It’s absolute madness how much we love them with all of the crap they pull! For instance, if my best friend decided to lay down on the floor of Walmart and scream her face off  in protest because she had not finished looking at the toy section and I was ready to go, I’d be like, see ya later, freak!  My kids could be covered in dirt and feces and venomous snakes and I’d still think they were perfect. Sometimes I get these intense feelings of pride simply by looking at them. It must be really hot in here because my eyes seem to be sweating all of a sudden…


In conclusion, I’d like to wish all the moms out there a most magical mother’s day filled with homemade crafts, half eaten chocolates and something deliciously alcoholic in a very large glass.



Love always,


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