Every Thursday, my children take swimming lessons.
I think learning to swim is pretty important.
One day, my kids will be reckless teenagers who will no doubt want to do stupid things with their friends like jumping off cliffs into small bodies of water or going skinny dipping in the middle of the day or sneaking into public outdoor pools after hours. How lame would they look doing all that in life jackets? Hence swimming lessons.
Not only are swimming lessons cost effective and only half an hour long, the people watching is top notch. I try to pay attention to my kids as they practice their front crawl and back floats, but I get easily distracted. I’m fascinated with watching all the moms at the pool. There are so many different kinds! Loud ones, quiet ones, funny ones, scary ones.
Based on the observational data that I’ve collected, I’ve started a classification of swimming lesson moms. The scientific community is dubbing it “Momification” and are quite excited by my findings. Please enjoy them below…
NFred’s Momification Of Swimming Lesson Moms
#1 The Proud Mom – This mom was precious. I could see the sheer joy on her face as she watched her little angel wade into the pool. She had a perma smile plastered on her face and her eyes were glued to her child. Thoughts of this being the first step in her child’s journey to becoming the next Micheal Phelps danced around in her mind as she chronically waved and cheered for her little champion swimmer.
#2 The Unable To Cope Mom – This mom just can’t deal with the fact that her child has graduated from parent and tot lessons. She finds it ridiculous that she can’t physically get in the pool with her child. He’s only three! He could drown! What if he has to pee? Needs to blow his nose? Chokes on water? Is too cold? Gets hungry? WHAT IF HE NEEDS HIS MOTHER AND SHE IS WAY OVER IN THE SPECTATOR AREA?!?!?!?!?! This mom breaks protocol and no doubt pisses off pool staff by staying right at the edge of the pool during her child’s ENTIRE lesson! This poor child is never an arms length away from his mother and will most likely become a skydiving instructor or a stunt man or a professional race car driver out of spite.
#3 The Tuned In Mom – This mom spends her child’s entire lesson with a screen in her face. Weather it’s her phone or a tablet or a laptop, this mom doesn’t blink until her child’s lesson is over. Is she working? Playing Candy Crush? Looking at porn? What is so fascinating on her electronic device? I can only assume that she’s reading my blog, in which case, carry on Tuned In Mom…carry on…
#4 The Mom Who’s Given Up – This mom has several children in and out of the pool. Her children who are not swimming run a muck all over the place like feral cats. They climb on chairs and up walls and roll around on the floor. They bump into people. They are irritating as fuck. AND MOM DOES NOTHING. NOTHING. She just sits there, with a blank look on her face. I sort of feel bad for her. I think she needs a foot rub and a shot of vodka and a good cry. It must be hard to be surrounded by devil children.
#5 The Loud Mom In The Change Room – This mom is also known as, The Yeller. “Jordyn, Jordyn, JORDYN!!!! GET CHANGED! TAKE YOUR SHOWER! WHAT WERE YOU DOING OUT THERE? GRRRR! YOUR SOCKS ARE WET! BARK, BARK, WOOF, MEOW!” Okay, she doesn’t really make animal sounds, but she might as well. She is constantly on her kid’s case for the most redundant reasons. “WHY ARE YOU WET? GOBBLE! OINK! MOO!”
#6 The Bikini Clad Mom – This mom is the only mom in the parent and tot class that dons a bikini. I’m conflicted about her. On the one side I want to give her props and be all like you go girlllllllllllll and applaud her confidence for showing off her non photoshopped mom body. On the other side I want to yell at her, “WHY ARE YOU WEARING A STRING BIKINI TO A PARENT AND TOT CLASS????” This suit left nothing to the imagination. Her boobs were like SHABAM! right in your face. I couldn’t look away. Part of me was jealous, the other offended. Being a woman is complicated. It comes with so many conflicting emotions…
#7 The Mom With An Adorable Baby – This mom had a ridiculously adorable baby. This baby was so chubby and content and smiley that I had to look away. Then I looked back and the baby was smiling AT ME and I felt a slight pang in my ovaries. Then I had to look away again and nonchalantly punch my ovaries until they remembered that we are DONE having babies. Would it be creepy if I just asked this mom if I could cozy her baby and maybe smell it’s scrumptious little head and tickle it’s perfect little tummy? STOP IT OVARIES, STOP IT NOW.
#8 The Very Well Dressed Mom – Seriously, this mom was gorgeous. Her hair was perfectly blown out, her makeup was flawless, her clothes were tailored to perfection. She must be an interior decorator or a fashion designer or a model or a robot because she’s ALWAYS amazingly put together and polished. She makes me roll my eyes at myself in disapproval over my own ensemble of ill fitting mom jeans and a tshirt with a glob of jam smeared on it from breakfast.
#9 The Most Bad Ass Mom – This mom was the epitome of awesome. On the first night of classes, I was confused because she was in a bathing suit and her child was fully dressed. I was like, maybe she’s an instructor or something? Then her child came and sat near me in the spectator area. She got out a book and started reading while her mom waited nervously by the side of the pool where the kids gather before their lessons begin. Then I noticed more moms in swim suits and was even more confused. Maybe they were learning how to be adult lifeguards or something? Then the moms all grabbed pool noodles and very slowly waded into the shallow end. HOLY CRAP! They were learning how to swim!!! How AWESOME IS THAT??? And brave! And gutsy! AND TOTALLY BAD ASS! Then I saw the little girl and her mom wave at each other and I wanted to run into the pool and high five all of those fearless moms!
That’s it for my Momification thus far. Luckily for me and the scientific community, swimming lessons run until the spring!
I’m really enjoying the science of Momification because it’s proving my theory that there is no such thing as a perfect mom.
All moms have visible strengths and weaknesses.
All moms are too hard on themselves.
All moms are the shit.