Top Tips If You Suffer From A.S.S.

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I’ve worked in retail for more years than I would like to admit.

The pay is horrible, the hours are long and my hair gets a little more grey with every crazy customer I encounter.

With Christmas just over a month away, I’ve compiled a list with the goal of assisting the curmudgeons of Christmas shoppers. You can spot them from a mile away. Rude, grumpy and sour. They’ve totally forgotten the reason for the season, which is obviously over eating, over spending and LOVING IT!

If you or someone you know is affected by Asshat Shopper Syndrome, also known as A.S.S, please read the following list.

NFred’s Top TIps For Not Falling Victim to A.S.S. This Holiday Season

1. Before you even leave your house, make sure you have the following items on your person; water, snack, comfy shoes. Don’t shop hungry or thirsty, this will only make you bitchy. Choose comfort over style when it comes to footwear. Mall Walking Blisters are no joke.

2. Before you even leave your car, TAKE OFF YOUR WINTER COAT. Don’t shop in a parka or anything fleece or down filled. You will be hot and this will make you bitchy. If you don’t want to leave your coat in your car, most malls have a coat check. Use it. Dress in layers. Layers are your friend.

3. Don’t complain to a retail employee about something being expensive. These hard working individuals have zero input on the prices of product. If they did, they would not be stocking the shelves at your local Walmart or Toys R Us or Target. I assume they would instead be in a swanky office somewhere sitting on top of a giant pile of cash, eating chips and dip.

4. Don’t complain about the Christmas music that will be playing in every store from now until December twenty-fourth. I guarantee that the staff doesn’t want to listen to Mariah Carey’s Christmas album either. If a retail employee works forty hours a week for the next five weeks, there’s a shocking possibility that they will have to listen to Christmas music on repeat for a whopping TWO HUNDRED HOURS! Doesn’t that sound like some sort of inhumane interrogation technique that like the FBI or the CIA or like a dirty cop would use to coerce a witness to confess to a crime they didn’t commit? Cue trademark Law and Order DUN DUN.

5. When you’ve completed your shopping and reach the check out and the cashier asks you how you are, do your best not to reply with how tired/hungry/hot/grumpy/sick of the mall you are. Chances are that your cashier has been on their feet for hours, is starving and would rather have dental surgery than answer one more question about their store’s return policy. On the flip side, don’t tell them what an beautiful day it is outside either. With no natural light or fresh air, working in a mall is the equivalent of working in a bomb shelter. The schmucks ringing up your sale don’t need to be reminded of all the beauty and wonder that they’re missing out on in the outside world.

6.Timing while holiday shopping is crucial. If you are a high needs customer that requires lots of assistance while shopping, do your best not to arrive at the store five minutes before it closes. This move is guaranteed to fill any retail employee with molten hot rage. Do you like getting a pile of work thrown at you just as you are about to leave your job for the day? No, no you do not. Don’t be an asshat. Don’t be THE PERSON that the staff will curse under their breath as they serve you in spite.

7. Please don’t return items on Boxing Day. If you must, you are guaranteed to wait in long lineups, which will make you bitchy. How about not shopping on Boxing Day at all? Stay at home, all comfy cozy in your new Christmas jammies! Pig out on holiday baking and left over turkey sandwiches! Play with all your new swag! Use Boxing Day as your one day a year to live life to it’s slothiest. Sloths don’t wake up early on Boxing Day to purchase crap at rock bottom prices. Sloths sleep in and binge eat junk food and nap and watch Breaking Bad marathons instead. Sloths know how to live right. Sloths know what’s up.

8. My final top tip is simply to treat your retail salesperson as a real human person. Like servers, they do not respond well to being waved over, finger snapped at or interrupted when they are helping another customer. Remember your please and thank yous. My kindergarten teacher was totally on to something when she taught me that manors open all the doors to pleasant places.

I hope this list will prove helpful to all who suffer the plight of being an actual ASS.

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Happy holiday shopping from your friendly neighborhood retail schmuck,

NFred

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5 thoughts on “Top Tips If You Suffer From A.S.S.

  1. Rani Sahani says:

    You so pretty!!! And FUNN-AY! And RIGHT ON also! As a woman who has worked in retail for my whole life (I mean it, I grew up in my parent’s boutique) I not only wholeheartedly agree with everything you’ve said, I would have said it almost exactly the same but with LOADS of cuss words 😉 My only concern is that saying that a heavy coat, being hungry etc makes people “bitchy”, which, to me, puts women down. I would just have said it brings out everyone’s “asshole”. Otherwise, may the heavens bless you for your attempts to better this miserable season for us all everyone 🙂

    • NFred says:

      You have no idea how many times I’m swearing on the inside as I smile on the outside when I’m helping asshats! I’ve gotten really good at “killing them with kindness”. Also, as soon as the door closes at the end of the day, I let the cuss words fly because it feels so LIBERATING! HA!
      As for my use of the word bitchy, I’m sorry if you saw it as putting women down. That totally was not my intent. It’s totally how I feel when I’m hungry/hot/tired and I have met my fair share of bitchy men, kids, babies, dogs and especially cats!
      Thanks so much for reading and for your comment.
      You deserve a medal, a gold star, some chocolate ice cream and a parade in your honour for being in the retail industry for your whole life.
      I salute you!

  2. Rani Sahani says:

    Ooooooooyyyyy I think I am looooooving you even more than I did and I didn’t think it could get any more lovey between us Girl! 1. I truly feel BETTER knowing you also can’t fight the profanity fairy! Just the other day someone was ripping into me for not having the SAME STYLE of tablecloth we sold 18 YEARS AGO!!! Le sigh… Ok, 2. You are too darling, thank you so much for acknowledging my discomfort with the word “bitchy”. I really do understand how you feel, I’ve just read so much feminist literature on language and how all our negative words are female (bitchy, p-word for weakness etc) and all the strong, positive words are male (be a “man”, have some balls etc) that I can no longer use them (who says it CAN’T be, “show some ovaries already!!!” ??) and my brain twitches whenever I read them. I am positive that no one as, obviously, intelligent and empathetic as you are would ever intend to demean our half of the population 😉
    And 23. THAAAANK you for the words of praise for a life well and truly lived in retail – it means A LOT Sistah! I haven’t clubbed anyone like a seal pup yet and that’s a streak I’d like to keep going till I croak! 😀
    Thanks again for an awesome and fantastically overdue guide for the Xmas shoppers types of folks 😉 !

  3. Sabina says:

    You’re pretty. And this piece ROCKS!!!! So true, every word of it!

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