I’ve worked in retail for more years than I would like to admit.
The pay is horrible, the hours are long and my hair gets a little more grey with every crazy customer I encounter.
With Christmas just over a month away, I’ve compiled a list with the goal of assisting the curmudgeons of Christmas shoppers. You can spot them from a mile away. Rude, grumpy and sour. They’ve totally forgotten the reason for the season, which is obviously over eating, over spending and LOVING IT!
If you or someone you know is affected by Asshat Shopper Syndrome, also known as A.S.S, please read the following list.
NFred’s Top TIps For Not Falling Victim to A.S.S. This Holiday Season
1. Before you even leave your house, make sure you have the following items on your person; water, snack, comfy shoes. Don’t shop hungry or thirsty, this will only make you bitchy. Choose comfort over style when it comes to footwear. Mall Walking Blisters are no joke.
2. Before you even leave your car, TAKE OFF YOUR WINTER COAT. Don’t shop in a parka or anything fleece or down filled. You will be hot and this will make you bitchy. If you don’t want to leave your coat in your car, most malls have a coat check. Use it. Dress in layers. Layers are your friend.
3. Don’t complain to a retail employee about something being expensive. These hard working individuals have zero input on the prices of product. If they did, they would not be stocking the shelves at your local Walmart or Toys R Us or Target. I assume they would instead be in a swanky office somewhere sitting on top of a giant pile of cash, eating chips and dip.
4. Don’t complain about the Christmas music that will be playing in every store from now until December twenty-fourth. I guarantee that the staff doesn’t want to listen to Mariah Carey’s Christmas album either. If a retail employee works forty hours a week for the next five weeks, there’s a shocking possibility that they will have to listen to Christmas music on repeat for a whopping TWO HUNDRED HOURS! Doesn’t that sound like some sort of inhumane interrogation technique that like the FBI or the CIA or like a dirty cop would use to coerce a witness to confess to a crime they didn’t commit? Cue trademark Law and Order DUN DUN.
5. When you’ve completed your shopping and reach the check out and the cashier asks you how you are, do your best not to reply with how tired/hungry/hot/grumpy/sick of the mall you are. Chances are that your cashier has been on their feet for hours, is starving and would rather have dental surgery than answer one more question about their store’s return policy. On the flip side, don’t tell them what an beautiful day it is outside either. With no natural light or fresh air, working in a mall is the equivalent of working in a bomb shelter. The schmucks ringing up your sale don’t need to be reminded of all the beauty and wonder that they’re missing out on in the outside world.
6.Timing while holiday shopping is crucial. If you are a high needs customer that requires lots of assistance while shopping, do your best not to arrive at the store five minutes before it closes. This move is guaranteed to fill any retail employee with molten hot rage. Do you like getting a pile of work thrown at you just as you are about to leave your job for the day? No, no you do not. Don’t be an asshat. Don’t be THE PERSON that the staff will curse under their breath as they serve you in spite.
7. Please don’t return items on Boxing Day. If you must, you are guaranteed to wait in long lineups, which will make you bitchy. How about not shopping on Boxing Day at all? Stay at home, all comfy cozy in your new Christmas jammies! Pig out on holiday baking and left over turkey sandwiches! Play with all your new swag! Use Boxing Day as your one day a year to live life to it’s slothiest. Sloths don’t wake up early on Boxing Day to purchase crap at rock bottom prices. Sloths sleep in and binge eat junk food and nap and watch Breaking Bad marathons instead. Sloths know how to live right. Sloths know what’s up.
8. My final top tip is simply to treat your retail salesperson as a real human person. Like servers, they do not respond well to being waved over, finger snapped at or interrupted when they are helping another customer. Remember your please and thank yous. My kindergarten teacher was totally on to something when she taught me that manors open all the doors to pleasant places.
I hope this list will prove helpful to all who suffer the plight of being an actual ASS.
Happy holiday shopping from your friendly neighborhood retail schmuck,