An Open Letter To Halloween

sexy pizza

Dear Halloween,

Please stop making sexed up costumes of my most beloved childhood playthings.

I don’t want to live in a world where I have to see a Sexy Care Bear or a Sexy Cabbage Patch Kid or a Sexy Rainbow Bright costume. It hurts my heart and puts a creepy, sexified vibe on my precious childhood toys. Also, I better not see anyone out Trick or Treating in a midriff baring My Little Pony costume. I will not allow my two year old daughter’s current obsession to be presented to her in an inappropriately sexed up manor. Besides, everyone knows that any self respecting pony covers up.

I understand that Halloween is the one night a year where it’s socially acceptable to let your freak flag fly, but why, WHY did you have to go and sex up Cheer Bear, Flavia Louise and Twink the Sprite? What was wrong with Sexy Cop or Sexy Witch or the always offensive Sexy Indian Princess costumes of yesteryear?

I also understand that nostalgia sells, but sexy nostalgia? Come on Halloween, you can do better. Do I have to remind you of the epic costume fails that were Sexy Pizza and Sexy Big Bird  and Sexy Granny? What happened to all of the whimsical, intelligent and pun based costumes that I so much adored? Is dressing up as a DEVILed Egg or a CEREAL Killer or Anne of Green Gables or The CN Tower or a Cat with a Bow Tie and Monocle  not cool anymore? Not Halloweeny enough for you, Halloween?

I say shame on you, Halloween. Shame on you for trying to completely sexify Halloween and for trying to steal the thunder from the real star of October Thirty-First; THE CANDY.

SHAME.

On.

You.

Listen Halloween, I don’t hate you, I’m just disappointed in your choices. If you needed help coming up with fresh, new and inspiring Halloween costume ideas, you should have come to me!  I happen to be on the cusp of everything that’s “cool”. For instance, this year’s most popular and sure to wow Halloween costume requires nothing more than a plaid shirt and a distracted expression. Obviously I’m talking about dressing up as Steven Sears! OR, you could grab a friend and dress up as both Steven AND Susan sears! What a BRILLIANT and FUN and APPROPRIATE costume idea!

I have faith in you to tidy up your sexed up costume mess, Halloween. I believe in you and your candy.

Best regards,

NFred

P.S. If anyone dons a Sexy Steven or Sexy Susan Sears costume this year, take notice that I WILL FIND YOU and it won’t be pretty…

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4 thoughts on “An Open Letter To Halloween

  1. Colleen says:

    You’re pretty and Fabulous!!

  2. Ben F. says:

    This is only one of the many reasons why society nowadays worships sex. Besides, a “sexy” costume for Halloween is uncreative and unoriginal anyway.

    • NFred says:

      YES!
      When I was a kid, I dressed up as a Fancy Lady for more years in a row than I would like to admit. And it wasn’t even remotely scandalous and it came from my imagination.
      That said, I have never made my children a Halloween costume…maybe next year?
      Thanks for reading!

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