Yesterday while grocery shopping, I found myself really dig’n the in store muzak. There was a little Kylie Minogue “Locomotion” action followed by some Red Hot Chili Peppers “Under the Bridge”. Then my two year old daughter and I busted out into some sweet cereal isle dancing to Cool and the Gang’s “Celebration”. Halfway through our dance break, I was struck with a horrifying realization that shook me to my core…
I AM OLD.
Do you know what kind of people like background muzak? Old people.
Do you know what kind of people dance in cereal isles? Old mom people who are past the point of caring about how crazy they look in public.
Do you know what that makes me?
Museum fossil old.
Death by scurvy old.
Rain cap wearing old.
Blue tinted permed hair old.
Kleenex tucked up in the sleeve of my shirt old.
I haven’t felt this youthfully challenged since we bought our first minivan.
I like to think of myself as being somewhat “hip”. I read the TMZ and the Perez Hilton so I have a pretty solid grasp of what’s the haps with the younger folk. I’ve been listening to a lot of Drake lately and have been following Miley and Liam’s tumultuous breakup post twerking scandal. I have tattoos and multiple ear piercings and several whimsical foulards. These things are synonymous with youth, right?
The thing is, the more I try to prove my “hipness”, the more evidence emerges for the contrary. Here are some examples of my oldness…
1. I think 9:30pm is the perfect bed time.
2. Going to a party isn’t about drinking my face off anymore…it’s about eating like a pig and being home at a reasonable hour.
3. I feel lost if we’ve run out of bananas and I have nothing to put on top of my Cheerios at breakfast. That’s right, I eat the same thing every morning, just like my eighty-seven year old grandmother.
4. I can no longer wear my hair pulled back in a high ponytail like the cool kids do because I’m overly self conscious about the massive amount of grey hair that lives on top of my head.
5. Last week I ate some cucumber slices for a snack and it gave me indigestion.
6. My ridiculously high caffeine tolerance has vanished. Only one cup in the morning is all I can handle. I like to pretend that I can still drink a nice, creamy, rich cup of joe after lunch but I know that if I do, I’ll be up all night. Isn’t that such an old person problem???
7. When I’m in the mood to have a few beers, it’s literally a few. Like maybe three tops before I get so drowsy that all I can think about is crashing out on my couch. This usually happens around 9.30pm.
8. When I turn my computer on in the morning, the first thing I check is the news and then the Weather Network.
9. I got a dust buster for my birthday and was legitimately thrilled.
10. My doctor told me recently that I have a “delicate” back. Delicate as in fragile, frail, fracturable. I’m like one step away from turning into that lady who has fallen and can’t get up on the Life Alert commercials.
11. I remember the life alert commercials.
The evidence has spoken.
Maybe I should embrace my oldness?
Buy myself some nice slacks and start keeping hard candies at the bottom of my purse?
Maybe drape a clear plastic covering over my couch?
I could start eating dinner at four and maybe move my bed time to 7:30pm?
Maybe I could buy myself one of those sweet old people scooters! And I’ll decorate it with knitted ornaments and pictures of cats! And I’ll ride my scooter with the muzak blasting, in the middle of the road, all the way to the grocery store! And I’ll ignore the cashier when she tells me that I can’t pay for my purchase with pennies!
Sounds like fun!!! I’m done with trying to be “hip”. From now on, I’m going full blown old.
Is anybody else suddenly craving prunes?