***If you have no idea who Steven and Susan Sears are, then please peruse the following links to join in on my obsession!
I have a serious problem.
I am suffering from Severe Steven and Susan Sears Separation Sadness.
I haven’t seen them AT ALL since JULY.
What have they been doing?
Why are they never at the mall?
Where have they been walking?
And most importantly, how is their constipation?
I NEED ANSWERS, DAMMIT.
The only intel I’ve managed to gather comes from my super secret inside sources. These sources share a similar interest in all things Steven and Susan Sears, but are not afflicted with Severe Steven and Susan Sears Separation Sadness.
And do you know why?
Because these sources had the amazingly good fortune of having an honest to God, full on INTERACTION with the dynamic mall walking duo!
And where was I? The founder and sole member of the Steven and Susan Sears Stalking Society? I’ll tell you where I was…NOT WORKING THAT DAY! I MISSED EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know how that makes me feel?
EVEN MORE COWBELL COULDN’T FIX THE DEEP SADNESS THAT I AM FEELING INSIDE.
I shall now put my personal sadness aside and stop typing dramatically in capitals letters.
Here is what I have gathered from my missed Steven and Susan Sears sighting;
1. They came into my toy store together. Steven was dressed in his usual uniform of a plaid shirt and khaki pants, but Susan Sears must have been feeling all sorts of whimsy because she wore a DENIM SKIRT. According to my sources, it was not a long skirt like I have seen her in before. It was a knee length little number. I have dubbed this look The Sassy Susan.
2. Steven Sears asked one of my colleagues if we sold a certain game. Steven and Susan Sears were shown the game, which is a single player game aimed to people aged eight to adult. Upon inspection of the game, Steven decided that the junior edition of the game would be more suitable. This version is aimed towards children between the ages of six and eight. My source didn’t think anything strange of this until she realized that Steven Sears was buying this game for none other than SUSAN SEARS! What a total dick move by Steven Sears to game shame Susan like that in public. Does he think that she’s not smart enough to handle the adult version? If he’s this mean to her in public about her lackluster gaming skills, imagine how cruel he is behind closed doors? Maybe she’s just not good at strategy games? I bet if they played Boggle she would win. She strikes me as a Boggle savant.
3. I’ve saved the most intriguing piece of intel for last. Upon ringing up Steven and Susan Sears’s purchase at the cash register, one of my sources noticed that Susan Sears was wearing a timer around her neck. How odd. Why would you need to wear a timer around your neck while out shopping? Here are various theories that I am currently working on…
– It was not a timer but a pedometer so that Steven and Susan Sears can see how many steps it takes them to walk around the entire mall.
– It was not a timer, but an alarm to remind Susan Sears when it’s time to take her suppository. I’m thinking that Steven Sears is a total control freak and wants Susan to void her bowels at the exact same time everyday. The only way to ensure this is obviously to make her wear an alarm around her neck that beeps when it’s time to make the magic happen. And by magic, I mean poo.
-It was not a timer, but a bomb. Steven Sears strapped a homemade device to Susan’s chest. Why? Because Steven Sears is one diabolical dude. Also, perhaps the stress of having a bomb strapped to her chest is causing Susan Sears to literally shit her pants. Maybe Steven Sears thinks he is doing her a huge favour by helping out with her constipation troubles? Why not just give her some prunes or black coffee or Taco Bell to clean her out? Why is he so concerned with her bowel movements? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!
Each Steven and Susan Sears sighting seems to bring more questions than answers.
Is it wrong that I just want to know who they are and where they live and if Steven Sears is a murderous explosive expert with a keen interest in the bowel activity of others?
Because I am an optimist, sometimes, I can see the silver lining to this missed Steven and Susan Sears sighting. Imagine if the Sears’s need to return their purchase? Do you know what that means? It means that they would have to provide their name and phone number to my store!
THEIR REAL NAME.
THEIR REAL PHONE NUMBER.
That might be too much for me to handle. Like my head might literally explode. And if that were to happen, I bet my Severe Steven and Susan Sears Separation Sadness would be replaced with Supreme Steven and Susan Sears Sublime Satisfaction.