The Cringe of Impending Awkwardness

kevin thornton

Finally, after eighteen years of procrastination, I got my driver’s licence.

Honestly, I never thought I would drive. But moving to the middle of nowhere proved to be the kick in the pants that I desperately needed.

You know what I love most about driving? Cruising around in my sweet van with my children and listening to completely inappropriate songs on the radio. My kids are 8, 5 and 2 so the blatantly sexual themes of pretty much every song played is completely lost on them.

They think that Daft Punk singing the lines “we stay up all night to get lucky” actually means “we are lucky because we get to stay up all night”. I’m also pretty confident that they think the lyrics to Miley Cyrus’s “We Can’t Stop” are “we like to party, dancing with Mommy”. Who wouldn’t want to stay up late and dance with their Mom?

I’m enjoying this brief window of time where my children are blissfully ignorant to the very grown up meanings of these catchy tunes. It won’t be long before my children would rather jump out of the van while it’s moving than sing along with their mom about partying and getting lucky.

I remember when I was young and naive and Madonna’s Like a Virgin was my most favourite song. I totally thought it was about some girl who was lost in the forest or something and then some boy found her and like brought her to his house and let her take a bath and maybe made her a sandwich and then she was all shiny and new and was like so grateful that she let him be her boyfriend until the end of time. I remember seeing my parents cringe every time I would belt out my fave song. I couldn’t understand why anyone would not approve of precious six year old me singing Like A Virgin at the top of my lungs. I sang that song at home, at the park, at school and at the grocery store. When people stared at me, I thought they were simply moved by my talent.

Several years later, a song came out that I both loved and loathed. It was the spring of 1991. I was twelve years old and the song “I Want To Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd was a smash hit. The song was totally about a boy wanting to hump a girl!

So risque!

So scandalous!

Hearing that song with all its sex talk made my twelve year old head spin.

As much as I loved that song, I wanted to die every time it came on the car radio. I finally understood why my parent’s cringed so much during my Like A Virgin singing phase…

It was the cringe of impending awkwardness.

Twelve year old me would have rather worn a diaper to school than talk about sex with my parents. I wanted to die, fade into the car seat and render myself invisible as soon as the catchy intro pumped into the car speakers. If my dad was driving, he’d usually use the song as a platform to rant about how “crass” or “vulgar” our sex obsessed society had become. My mom on the other hand, would sing along in her syrupy sweet preschool teacher voice. Think back to your beloved preschool or kindergarten teacher singing the following lyrics…

Come inside, take off your coat, I’ll make you feel at home.
Now let’s pour a glass of wine ’cause now we’re all alone.
I’ve been waiting all night so just let me hold you close to me,
‘Cause I’ve been dyin’ for you girl and make love to me.Girl you make me feel real good.
We can do it ’til we both wake up.
Girl, you know I’m hooked on you,
And this is what I’ll do…I wanna sex you up.
All night.
You make me feel real good.
I wanna rub you down.
I wanna sex you up.Let me take off all your clothes.
Disconnect the phone so nobody knows.
Let me light a candle,
So that we can make it better.
Makin’ love until we drown.

Girl, you know it feels real good.
We can do it ’til we both wake up.
Girl you know I’m hooked on you.
And this is what I’ll do.

Make sweet lovin’ all night long…
(I wanna sex you up)
Feels so right it can’t be wrong…
Don’t be shy girl rescue me…
(I wanna sex you up)
Open up your heart and I’ll set you free…

How uncomfortable was that?
Now times your ick factor by one million if that teacher singing about people getting it on also happens to be your mother!!!!
You know, looking back at these lyrics, I’m a little confused. Like what does it mean when they say that they’re going to do it until they both “wake up”? Do these people have sexsomnia? Do they sleep hump? Maybe Color Me Badd was actually a boy band of vampires that could only have relations during the day while they hid from the sun?
Also, what does, “making love until we drown” mean? What, prey tell are they drowning IN? It sounds horrifying to make love until you drown…like torture…like something a VAMPIRE would do. I think I’m really on to something here.
When my oldest son is twelve, I wonder what we’ll listen to on the radio while we’re cruising around? When will he develop the cringe in impending awkwardness?
Speaking of awkwardness, I’ve included a link to Color Me Badd’s video for “I Want To Sex You Up”. Look at those dance moves, outfits and hairdos…
They are SO vampires…sexy, sexy, sexed up vampires…
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10 thoughts on “The Cringe of Impending Awkwardness

  1. Mar says:

    I remember listening to that song and thinking I was so grown up! I don’t think I really had a client what it meant tho! You have great taste in music tho, those are all my current fave summer songs!

  2. Mar says:

    *clue, not client.

    • NFred says:

      WHOA. Times must be pretty tough for Color Me Badd if the only gig they can get is playing beside a food truck called the Gravy Train!
      Also, what happened to the other dudes? Why is there only three of them???
      Thanks for sharing. This made me feel both old and depressed. HA!

      • France says:

        Glad to help. Your link send me down memory lane. 1 90’s hit brought on an other, and an other until I noticed I’d been ignoring my kids for a while.
        There used to be 4 guys. The 4th decided he wanted to stay behind the scene and stuck to writing and producing.

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