UPDATE! STEVEN AND SUSAN SEARS SIGHTINGS!!!

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Hold onto your hats people!

If you’re a fan of the dynamic mall walking duo that is Susan and Steven Sears and have been yearning for some new insight into their lives, today is your LUCKY DAY!

I have not one, but THREE updates to report.

If you’re not familiar with Susan and Steven Sears, please feel free to peruse the link below.

https://nfrederick78.wordpress.com/201h3/04/03/introducing-susan-and-steven-sears

Now, get prepared to have your MIND BLOWN…

UPDATE #1

A few weeks ago, when I was walking around the mall on my break, I saw a man that I recognized. I stared at him for a few seconds, unable to place his face. Suddenly, it hit me like a bolt of lightning! It was Steven Sears! He looked so different, like he had gotten himself a makeover. Gone was his plaid shirt. Instead he sported a solid red t-shirt with an unbuttoned denim shirt over the top! How whimsical! Instead of his black pants and sneakers, he wore khaki pants and sandals. SANDALS! His hair had also grown and was curling out ever so slightly at the ends. He looked less like a Sears model and more like one of the “trying to be hip” mature models featured in weekly flyers of such stores as Walmart and Giant Tiger.

The weirdest thing of this Steven Sears sighting was that he was ALONE. Where in the hell was Susan? Waiting in the car? In the bathroom? Locked in the secret slave dungeon at their home? My first instinct was obviously that she was murdered by Mr. Sears. Maybe she disobeyed him or maybe she confessed to him that she wasn’t in love with mall walking anymore or maybe she dissed his hip new threads?

This solo Steven Sears sighting left me feeling very unsettled. I was concerned for Susan. The weeks went by, and I waited and waited for a Susan Sears sighting. What I got was much, MUCH more exciting…

UPDATE #2

It was a quiet Monday afternoon like any other at the good old toy shop. I had just finished ringing up a customer when I looked out in the hall and spotted both Steven AND Susan Sears! Together again! They were strolling down the hall, hand in hand. I was genuinely relieved that Susan Sears hadn’t been murdered. Steven Sears was even back in his plaid! All was right in the world again. But then something INSANE happened…

STEVEN AND SUSAN SEARS CAME INTO MY STORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was overcome with emotions of happiness, nervousness and extreme excitement. They walked right in and started looking at our selection of greeting cards. I wanted to talk to them, but what could I possibly say? I never imagined that our two worlds would collide. I waited a few moments and then devised an absolute genius plan. I grabbed a clipboard and a pen and sauntered over to where they were standing looking at cards. I smiled my best retail smile and gave them both a louder than anticipated, “HELLO”. Steven Sears looked at me and nodded.

NODDED.

AT.

ME.

I almost peed my pants. I gathered my composure and pretended to take inventory of some nearby foam planes so that I could stay close to them. How creepy am I??? Sadly, I didn’t get to stay long in my stalker stance because I had to go and help another customer. By the time I was done, Steven and Susan Sears were walking towards the cash area.

HOLY CRAP THEY WERE GOING TO BUY A CARD!

I literally ran over to the counter so that I could be the one to serve them.

It all happened so fast. I said “hello” again, this time using my indoor voice. Steven Sears nodded again. I scanned their card, which FYI was a birthday card with a picture of a basket full of kittens on the front. I totally hadn’t pegged them as cat lovers! I commented on how cute the card was and Susan Sears said, “yes” in a very quiet tone.

SUSAN SEARS SPOKE TO ME!

I put their kitten card in a tiny plastic bag and handed it to her. When she reached out to grab it, I noticed that she had several silver bangles on her right wrist. How chic! Totally didn’t go with her drab Sears attire. Maybe Steven Sears wasn’t the only one to get a little makeover???

I handed Steven Sears his change and he said, “thank you” and they both turned around and walked right out of my store. I didn’t want our encounter to end! I wanted to call out after them, “Come back! Don’t go! Take me with you”! I was both elated and deflated by our short interaction.

As it turns out, I didn’t have to wait very long to see them again! And guess what?

I DIDN’T SEE THEM IN THE MALL!!!  

WHOA.

Did I just totally freak your freak??? Keep reading for the most epic Steven and Susan Sears sighting…

UPDATE #3

It happened exactly two weeks ago today. I was on a diaper run with my children at our local pharmacy. While my kids were looking at a stuffed animal display, I went to the diaper section and was thrilled to see that several brands were on sale. It took me a couple of minutes to figure out which diapers were the best bang for my buck. I was suddenly aware that there were a couple of people further down the aisle, having what appeared to be a very heated conversation. Because I am nosy, I glanced over and my jaw almost hit the floor.

Steven and Susan Sears were in MY NEIGHBORHOOD DRUG STORE!!!

HOLY GUACAMOLE!

I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but they both looked irritated. I looked away and then of course looked over at them again. I was shocked to notice that Susan Sears had her arm in a sling!  What happened? My first thought was obviously that Steven Sears pushed her down the stairs and she broke her arm. But maybe she tripped while mall walking or slammed it in the door of the slave dungeon or wore too many silver bangles one day and the weight of them broke her dainty little wrist???

Another thing I noticed about Susan Sears was that she was wearing a skirt! A nice, floor length khaki skirt. Steven Sears was wearing his khaki pants with one of his plaid shirts. He had also gotten a haircut since the day of my solo Steven Sears sighting. 

I must have been standing there, staring, for quite some time because I suddenly realized that my children were taking stuffed animals down from their display and tossing them around the store. I grabbed a giant box of diapers from the shelf and dashed over to my children, scolding them for acting like heathens in a public place. I then ushered them to the cash and waited in line for my turn to pay.

AND GUESS WHO LINED UP RIGHT BEHIND ME???

SUSAN AND STEVEN SEARS! 

What happened next is purely magical. I got to listen in on their conversation! This is exactly how it went…

STEVEN SEARS – You can’t just say they don’t work and not use them again.

SUSAN SEARS – I know, I know.

STEVEN SEARS – You have to at least try them this time.

SUSAN SEARS – Yes. I know.

It was a rather odd conversation, like they were talking in some sort of code. Maybe they were Russian spies after all? I had to see what they were talking about! I had to see what they were buying! As I gave the cashier my debit card, I stealthily glanced over at the small pink box that Steven Sears had plunked down on the counter. You’ll never guess what they were buying…

SUPPOSITORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No wonder they always look so miserable…they’re constipated!

All of this new intel that I’ve gathered on Steven and Susan Sears over the last couple of weeks has left me totally wanting more. I still have so many unanswered questions.

How did Susan Sears hurt her arm? Did Steven Sears hurt her in a constipated rage?

Where do they live? Is it possible that they live in my neighborhood?

Who did they buy that kitten card for? Do they have a child? A mall walking friend? Was it for one of Steven Sears’s other wives?

Why was Steven Sears alone at the mall that day? Does he lead a double life? And where was Susan?

And most importantly, why was Steven Sears so insistent that Susan Sears use a suppository?

WHY???

SO MANY QUESTIONS!

If I get any more news, I’ll be sure to share. I’m certainly not the only Steven and Susan fanatic out there, RIGHT???

 

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10 thoughts on “UPDATE! STEVEN AND SUSAN SEARS SIGHTINGS!!!

  1. Sharilee says:

    OMG you are too much!!! “Did Steven Sears hurt her in a constipated rage?” Priceless!

  2. Anonymous says:

    You are hilarious!!!

  3. Mar says:

    You’re pretty 🙂

  4. MommaClaire says:

    🙂

  5. Susan Sears says:

    Busted!

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