Flatulent Friday

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You don’t have to be ashamed.

This is a safe space.

You won’t be judged here.

Admit it, you’ve totally farted in public and blamed it on someone else.

I know you have.

I’ve done it so many times, I’ve lost count.

My earliest memory of public farting happened in elementary school. We were sitting cross legged on the gym floor, crammed together like sardines. It was the end of the year assembly. It was June. It was hot. I felt a cramp. I knew what needed to happen. I squirmed and wiggled and readjusted until nothing else worked and I had to let one rip. Everyone heard. Everyone turned and stared. I panicked and heartlessly pointed at the girl in front of me. She endured a plethora of “pee ewws” while I escaped unscathed.

Many years later, I was doing some shopping at Bulk Barn with my mom. It was a Saturday. The store was bustling. My mom reached for a plastic bag to collect her foodstuffs. She moved with such gusto that an epic fart erupted from her small frame. Without missing a beat, she turned to me and in a most disapproving mom tone said, “NATASHA” while shaking her head. My own mother threw me under the bus and caused me to take the fall for her social blunder. MY OWN MOTHER!

Here’s the thing…

Why is it so taboo to fart in public? There are way worse things going on in the world.

And you know what?

Farting is funny. It’s freak’n hilarious! I don’t care who you are, how prim and proper you might be, you know you giggle when you toot.

Think about it. The Queen of England farts. Ryan Gosling farts. Gwyneth Paltrow farts. EVERYONE FARTS! So why all the embarrassment?

I know couples that don’t fart in front of each other. I find this so very sad. How can you be comfortable with someone if you can’t even share a laugh over some bum noise together? Many of the best laugh fests that I’ve ever had with my husband and close friends have been about farts. Sometimes you’re just super hungover or you’ve over indulged in bean salad or you’re painfully bloated and you just have to own your need to expel some gas in the presence of others. And if they really do love  you, they won’t care that you smell like rotten potatoes or sulfur or dead rodents. They’ll open a window or light a match and maybe even join in on the fun!

I think we should start a revolution. Together, we can erase the stigma of social farting.

Join me in letting a ripe one rip in the most inappropriate of situations!

Baby Shower? Why not.

Lunch with the in-laws? You bet.

Funeral? Maybe not. That might be a bit too radical.

In closing, I’d like us all to celebrate our flatulence. Like snowflakes, each fart is unique.

And always keep in mind the ancient proverb…

Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

Happy Farting!

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7 thoughts on “Flatulent Friday

  1. Phorever phan, Phather says:

    Exception to the rule: Gram-Gran never farts.

  2. You are absolutely right about the Queen… To pass a law, the Queen must fart. Only then will it have royal ass scent.

  3. Mom says:

    Exercise class with all my buddies, boy do we rip!

  4. MommaClaire says:

    Our weekend at Tremblant had a smell of it’s own LOL!!

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