Captain Red Face


I have inherited a hodgepodge of awesome and not so awesome traits from my relatives. For instance, my love of groan worthy jokes comes from my father. My ability to procrastinate doing any sort of house work comes from my mother. My grandma and I share a penchant for gaudy plastic jewelry, turning anything into song and Captain Red Face.

It was a day like any other. I woke up at an ungodly hour to the sound of children. Groggily, I hoisted myself out of bed and into the bathroom for my morning piddle. While washing my hands, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed that my face looked red on my nose and cheeks, like I had spent to much time in the sun. It was the summer, so I wasn’t overly concerned.

As the weeks went by, this weird red face came and went. It didn’t really bother me. It didn’t itch or sting or cause any discomfort. However, without any warning, my flushed, sun kissed face morphed into burning dry patches of total grossness. I made an appointment with my doctor and this is how it all went down…

Doctor – The curse! It has come for you.

Me  – What???

Doctor – Captain Red Face, he has come for you.

Me – The who now?

Doctor – His hold is strong on you. There is nothing you can do but read this     pamphlet and smear on this eighty dollar cream.


Doctor – I wish you good luck in the fight against Captain Red Face. I will pray for you.

It turns out that Captain Red Face goes by the street name of Rosacea. It’s a genetic skin condition that has been bequeathed to me by my similarly red faced grandma. There’s  not really anything you can do for it, except for the application of the ridiculously expensive cream and avoiding things on this list…

  • Caffeine based drinks and foods including coffee, tea and chocolate
  • Red meats (eg beef and lamb)
  • Products with refined flour including pasta and white bread
  • Dairy products (eg milk, cheese)
  • Alcohol
  • Spicy Foods

Ironic that I pretty much consumed everything on this list yesterday.  And do you know why? Because I’m a fucking rebel. I’m not going to abstain from everything that I love just to appease Captain Red Face. I can handle a little facial discomfort more than I can handle living my life without chocolate, beer and coffee.

I’ve discovered that Captain Red Face also likes to arrive during times of extreme stress or exhaustion. I’m a mother of three, so I’m confident that  my stress and fatigue levels will drop dramatically NEVER. Well played Captain Red Face, well played.

I really shouldn’t complain about Captain Red Face. I actually kind of admire his tenacity. And it could be way worse…

I could have inherited my grandma’s love of  frog’s legs and Boxcar Willie.

Interestingly enough, I believe I consumed everything on this list just yesterday. And do you know why? Because I’m a rebel. I’m not going to change my entire diet just to appease Captain Red Face. I can deal with a little facial discomfort more than I can deal with cutting out coffee, beer and chocolate from my life. I’ve learned that Captain Red Face is especially aggressive during times of stress and fatigue. As a mother of three, that’s pretty much every day.

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11 thoughts on “Captain Red Face

  1. Well played darling. Well played!! xoxo

  2. Punny Pater says:

    Rosacea? What a relief – I always thought you were just a raging alcoholic!

  3. Mar says:

    You said a bad word!!!! Shame on you 🙂

  4. nfrederick78 says:

    “Fudging rebel” just didn’t have the same intensity that I was looking for.

  5. rosaceaderm says:

    “The expensive cream” may be purchased online from countries where it is an over the counter product rather than a prescription-only product (the concentration of active ingredient is even higher in some cases). Examples include Acnederm and Australian Finacea. They are in the order of $8-20.

  6. I’m giving all my terrible traits to my daughter. My bitterness is already setting in at age 8.

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