Some people would call me nosy. I prefer the term “aggressively curious”. I obsess over ridiculous things, like Susan and Steven Sears.
Susan and Steven Sears are the fictional names that I have given to the middle aged couple that have become a staple at the mall where I work. Spotting them among the crowds of mall walkers has been part of my work routine for several months. I am completely intrigued by them for the following reasons…
1. They always walk hand in hand and never look like they are enjoying themselves in the least.
2. They are extremely well put together, like they stepped right out of a Sears catalogue, hence their last name. He usually wears a plaid, button down shirt and khaki pants that look like they’ve been ironed. Mrs. Sears has perfectly parted, shoulder length hair and always wears a long sleeve t-shirt in a solid colour. The plaid of Mr. Sears’s shirt usually matches Mrs. Sears’s sensible cotton long sleeve. The only word to describe their appearance is immaculate.
3. They walk with purpose, as if they’re on an important mission. Their faces are stoic and I’ve never seen them talk to each other or anyone else. I’ve never even seen them with shopping bags! WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN MY MALL??? If they were just there to walk around in circles, why wouldn’t they go first thing in the morning like all the other crazy mall walkers?
Here are some theories that I have developed about Mr. and Mrs. Sears…
1. They are Russian spies.
2. They are employed by Sears as real, alive, walking mannequin people.
3. Mr. Sears has many wives. He keeps them stashed in the basement of his sprawling country estate. Each wife has a different duty. One cooks, one cleans, one he takes to work functions and one is his mall walking partner.
4. They hate the outdoors. They find the recirculated air of the mall invigorating.
5. They are “not of this world” and are collecting data on our kind before they stage a massive attack.
I wish I had more moxy. If I did, I would totally walk up to them and be like, “Hello! May I join you?” and they would be all like, “Yes!” and then Mr. Sears would grab my hand and the three of us would walk around the mall together. After a few laps, they would confide in me that they were just bored with life. I would cheer them right up by telling them interesting facts about sharks. They’d be smiling in no time and we’d become best friends.
I bet they would even get me a Sears gift card for my birthday.